Private Parts Part 2

So, I have decided to do what nearly every American has decided to do at one time or another. Some have succeeded. Some have started and fallen short. Others still hold only the dream. What category am I in? The last one... so far.
I have decided to write my story. Yup. I have that much ego that I have decided that other people would actually care what has happened to me. Iplan on writing it in sitcom form. Yes, sitcom form. This way it will be easier for the masses to digest. However, the element that scares me is that saying “truth is stranger than fiction.” Trust me, strange things are afoot at the Circle K. (10 points if you can tell me what movie that is from!) The question becomes, how truthful will I be? I already can think of several elements that I will leave out. Then becomes the moral question of am I being extremely truthful? Can one be through omission? I don’t think so. But,then again, I will be submitting this to Hollywood, so who is exactly truthful?!
The story will be like WKRP and Fraiser in the sense that it will revolve around a radio station. However, it will be MORE true to life than that. Those characters always had the opportunity to finish their conversations with a quick joke before they had to go on air. Never did you see Fraiser run from across the hall after a much needed bathroom break to make sure that the next song played without any dead air. That was one of the biggest problems that I had with those shows. Not true to life. Elements like that will be in the show. Not a day goes by where I am not talking to my boss, co-worker or going to the bathroom when I hear the ending ofa song and know that I have 8 seconds to get back in the studio before the last chord is struck on the guitar.
As a listener, no one knows that I just ran the 40 yard dash in 1.2 seconds to let you know that you just listened to GeorgeStrait’s “I Cross My Heart.” As if you haven’t heard that song so many times that you can recite it by heart, know the artist, the recording company, what track it is on the CD, when the CD came out and George’s exact age to the day when it came out. However, for that one listener that has NEVER heard it before because they are too young, living under a rock or just converted from Amish, I must run like Jessie Owens back to the radio studio to inform their young impersonal mind.
That’s another thing you don’t see on radio TV shows - the constant battle with what to say and how to say it. I can’t say what I would normally say to the average person on the street or in a bar or even in the parking lot of my local church. I have to be so squeaky clean you’d think that I was a cast member of “The Wiggles.” (Which by the way is one of the reasons why our children’s test scores are so low. The primary reason - “The Teletubbies.” What ever happened to Mr. Rogers and Seseme Street? Those were the best PBS shows ever invented. Long live Mr. Rogers. What a great man. But, I digress)
Then you also have the inner-office stuff that goes on that is NEVER discussed on the air, let alone in a sitcom. Everything from the initial phone call from the Program Director (He’s the guy [or she’s the girl, to be PC] who plays boss to the DJ’s. AKA: The PD) to every single ticket give-a-way or promotion that the station does is dripping with politisizm. (I'm pretty sure I just made up a word there. I think... In any way, I like that one!) Who would buy this? Who can sell this? How can we make money on Mark Wills comingto town? Who has connections with him? Who’s his record label? How can we milk every cent out of this appearance from Mark Wills and how can we make our station look better than everyone else in the area?
Then you have the positioning of the station within the market. You need to ask yourself who you are trying toconnect with. Then you need to make sure that you connect with that person 24/7/365. Every song that you play, every liner that plays between the songs, every commercial and even every Christmas song that you play in Decembermust relate directly to that person. What most people don’t realize is that most stations have their “Primary Listener.” They come up with a fake person. They describe their attributes and make sure that they cator to them. Sick, right? Very. They will sit downin a meeting and say that “The biggest spender in our market is the 33 year old female.” (How they come up withthis - I don’t know, but we take it for the bible truth when they say so. Their lack of evidence is countered by ourlack of evidence to prove them wrong.) So, what is the average 33 year old female like? Well, she has lived in her house for a while and thinking of remodeling. She goes to the store every 1.8 weeks and has 2.3 kids. She is married and her husband makes roughly, roughly $78,645 after taxes. They have had their mini-van for almost 3 years and are looking to upgrade to the newest version with the stow-and-go seats. Her name is Lisa and she likes agood blend of the newer songs (78%) and the older stuff from before her time (13%) and the stuff that she grew up with in high schoolmixed in (8%). The rest is up to requests.
This is true. Ask anyone in the radio industry - they have a target listener. You’ll hear the target listener on the request shows. Even though they get 26,000 calls from those 18 and younger, for some reason when you listen, majority of the calls come from 33 year old females. And the rest of the calls are from people that requested what the station feels the average 33 year old female would want to listen to in the first place. Oops. I think I just said too much.
However, this will all be in the show. I haven’t decided yet where the show should start. Should I begin with my first ever radio experience 14 years ago? Should I begin with college? Should I begin with my first ever radio job? Should the first episode be about my call from the PD about my job here? But, due to a recent kick to the pills, I have a rough idea as to when it is going to end.
But, I do realize that I work in a strange industry. Not a normal one by any means. So, I’m assuming that the average viewer would like to take a peek into what they might take for granted each day - their radio. At least I hope so... I need to find out how I’m going to pay for food next month. (Not all of us are Fraiser and can afford that great apartment with a view. My view looks out on a doctor’s parking lot!)