Chuck Norris

It is rare that I get an e-mail that I find worthy of forwarding. This is the first e-mail I felt was worthy of me publishing here for all to learn from and enjoy. If you ever wondered how much of a bad-ass Chuck Norris is, this should clear everything up for you. Oh, and props to Jug-HEAD for sending me this valuable information.

For those of you who don't think highly of the Chuck Norris Award, rememberthere is no greater man on this planet than he. If you don't believe me,just ask him. Here is how Chuck describes himself.......only he does so as if he speaks about himself in the third person.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay,
but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth
from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was
far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned
an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for
writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the
paper.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the hell down.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
When a tsunami happens, it's because Chuck Norris has been swimming
laps in the ocean.
The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're
still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records
it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those
listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower
the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can
actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris's chest hair has chest hair
The weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were actually Saddam's
attempt to clone Chuck Norris. President Bush would not allow Walker
Iraqi Ranger; the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.
Chuck Norris doesn't need birth control. His sperm destroys the egg.
Chuck Norris invented Viagra, but only so the rest of us could dream
of achieving his god-like libido.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a horn in his pick-up truck. Instead he
channels all his road rage in one gigantic roar of pure manhood. The
roar is so powerful that it makes all the other vehicles implode
instantly, killing everybody sitting inside them. He then roundhouse
kicks his way out of his imploded truck.
There's no such thing as a near death experience. There is however, a
near Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris doesn't experience miracles, he makes them.
Chuck Norris built Rome in a day. Consequently, all roads lead to
Chuck Norris too.
Ever heard of someone killing two birds with one stone? Chuck Norris
kills entire species.
Chuck Norris is so badass that Oreos separate in the package for him.
Chuck Norris only likes the cream.