John Mc

This is a collection of my thoughts. Some of the thoughts that I once had, I no longer do. Some thoughts I have now I have never had. Yet none shal be discounted. This blog is soley for the enjoyment of the author and the readers. On occasion the views expressed are overly exagerated in order to prove a point. Also there may be a dirty word or thought in some of the posts. Grow up and take this for what it's worth - a blog that barely anyone will ever see.


Unwritten Rules

As we go through life in the greatest nation in the world, America, there are a few unwritten rules that govern modern society. These rules keep order and prevent civil war from breaking out. Here are a few that I have discovered that aid us in our life's travels.

1. The Courtesy Wave

When in traffic, should a fellow motorist allow you to merge, it is proper to give a sign of thanks. This sign become increasingly more important in heavy traffic situations.
The wave is done with the right hand and is a large motion. It starts from the passenger seat and slowly moves to the driver seat. It then goes back to the passenger seat. The repeating of this motion does not need to exceed three, for fear that it may be misconstrued as sarcasm. Also be sure to use the whole hand with the fingers together so it can not be seen as another popular traffic wave.
Keep in mind, a rapid movement of the arm is not necessary. You are showing thanks, not leaving port on a cruise liner.

2. The Fries

When dinning with others, what food is on their plate, is theirs. It may seem appetizing to you, but unless offered, it is theirs. Removing a portion of their food, such as French fries, without permission is a great offense. This rule is not negated by close relationships. This instead puts a strain on close relationships. (This also can be used as a deal breaker on dates. You want to date a respectful human being, not Helen Keller as a child! [Feel free to look that reference up.])
Ask for a fry and you may get several. Take a fry, take the trust out of a relationship... and risk getting your hand forked.

3. The Drink

This goes along with the fries situation. Although, it goes deeper. Is someone having a fruit smoothie that you wish to taste? You don't just dive right in when they have set it down. You also have to be tactful about the way that you ask for a sip. You must find a creative way to ask for a sip while they still have an out. Or, just be very obvious that you've "never had that drink before and wondered what it tasted like." They can either ignore you or offer you a sip. Either way, I'm sure they'll get the picture. Should they ignore you, don't be offended.
Some people have issues with you putting your weird-ass saliva into their drink. This is punishment for bad customers in restaurants. What makes you think that it will be welcome in their frozen treat?

4. Kindness For Your Protection

Also when dinning, you may need to interact with a waiter or waitress. This interaction should also have a certain degree of respect. This not only shows that you can "relate to the help," but could also prevent you from eating something that isn't on the menu.
Don't mess with those who bring your food. (See the movie "Waiting" for more examples of this.)

5. A Different Kind Of Waiting

When you have one friend on the phone and call waiting goes off, you now have a choice. Do you ignore the new incoming call, or do you interupt the conversation with the first person? Unless the call coming in is an emergency or someone that is difficult to get a hold of (Luke), you remain on the line with the original person. You have the ability to completely ignore the second call.
Should you take the second call, don't tell that person "Hold on, let me get rid of ____." Because when the next time the second person is the first, they will assume you said that about them too. Be cautious!

6. Picking A Winner

Ever feel like everyone is watching you at a stop light? We are. Get your finger out of there.

7. "Wanna Dance?"

On occasion when walking, your path may combine with someone else's path. As they are heading East, you are heading West. (Expect to see this more often in crowded areas such as malls, concerts, drapery stores, etc.) You will come to a point where you are roughly two feet apart. The easiest solution is to go right. (Unless in England, then you go left.) If you go to your right and they to theirs, problem averted and the whole event is erased from memory shortly after.
Under no circumstance is the phrase "Wanna Dance?" or anything similar ever to be said. It wasn't funny the first time that someone said it to you, why do you feel that if you put your own spin on it, someone else will find it humorous? Don't be silly. Move on.


In the age of the computer, it is often thought that it is acceptable to abbreviate everything. This problem has gone even further with the popularity of the text message. This is not acceptable. You aren't really "LOLing," so don't type it. You look like an idiot. And even if you really are "Laughing Out Loud," just type the damn phrase. It won't take that much longer.
Also shortening phrases and words such as "idk" for "I Don't Know" or even "DNT" for "Didn't" or "Don't" just confuses the hell out of everyone attempting to understand what you are saying. In that event, we will just chalk it up to you being a brain-dead moron, disregarding everything that you say and moving on.
(All of this can apply to "Smiley Faces." These, too, have gotten WAY out of control. Stop it and express yourself with words, not animation.)

9. Check Your Work

For the past ten years or so, we have had this remarkable invention called "Spell Check." It has saved my ass several times. It isn't that difficult to use. It is a program that will point out words that could have possibly been spelled incorrectly. This program started with Microsoft (I think.) Word and has moved on to so many different venues. This blogging program has one, my internet browser has one, most web pages have one built in, etc.
It is all over the place. Use it. You have no excuse for a misspelled word that would have been picked up by spell check.
(Yes, I thought about this while typing the above and saw all the questionable words like "LOL." dammit. There's another one.)

10. Patience Is A Virtue

By now, majority of society knows how an elevator works. I doubt I'm being too presumptuous on this one. When waiting for the elevator to arrive, pushing the "up" or "down" button repeatedly will not cause the elevator to get their faster. No elevator has said "Gee, that person is in a hurry. Normally I take my time getting there, but today I'll pick up the pace!"
Also, should you arrive at an elevator where someone is already awaiting the doors to open, it can be assumed that this person has already pressed the button. There is no need for you to press it again. The person who was there before you was not waiting for assistance, but instead the elevator. The only situations where this rule can be by-passed is if you wish to go the opposite direction from the one who was there before you.

11. No Habla

The bathroom is a personal and private situation. Under no circumstances should a conversation be held through the bathroom door. Should a phone call come in for the person behind the door, they are "busy." (You may relate nature's call to the call waiting rule above.) Do you have something that you are dying to tell the person behind the door? I am willing to bet that they will be more focused on your story in a few moments. The only exception would be if what you have to say begins with something along the lines of "There is a fire out here," "I'm choking," "We have 5 minutes until impact," "There are massive amounts of blood out here," or something similar.
This rule also goes the other way. Should you hear a voice from beyond the door, it should be ignored. There are certain things that you should not be an innocent bystander to, for fear your innocence would be lost.

There are my 11. Do you have one or more? Let me know in a comment, e-mail, txt msg or any other form of communication. As long as it isn't on the phone. I'm on the other line.

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  • At 4:31 PM, Blogger Christa said…

    oh yeah, and your still the funniest person I know.

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger ShoeLass said…

    I started reading this on myspace thinking I didn't need pictures. When I reached the smoothie rule I knew the pictures could only make this better. Thank you.
    p.s. (or should I say, post script) I thought about misspelling every single word for you, because I'm an asshole!
    peace out-


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