Unwritten Rules Continued

The Unwritten Rules are coming in. Here are some of the new additions to the original 11. (They are like the Bill Of Rights.)
#12 and #13 are from Christa. They have been edited for punctuation, capitalization and content. To read them unedited, see the comment left on the post near the original 11 rules. You can learn more about Christa from her blog. Link is to the left.


12. Notification Of Lane Change And/Or Jerk-Face Behind The Wheel

People are so lazy that they cant just flick the stick to turn the ticker on!!!! I mean, being lazy enough not to pick up your clothes or do the dishes is one thing (acceptable on some days) but, REALLY how hard is it to move your hand for 3 seconds?!!? The simple notification of your intent is appreciated by all. This will prevent me from turning in front of you and/or me shooting at you on the express way when you realize all of a sudden, I want to be in the COMPLETELY OPPOSITE lane!



13. Always One Squeaky Wheel

Return your damn shopping cart after you've used it. Some people will push it to the grass and pick it up to put it on the grass, but cant walk 3 more inches to put it in the return! This common courtesy is for those who must retrieve these for the store. Think about what a pain in the ass this thank-less job is. Do we really need to make it that much more of a hassle for them? You wonder why you have scuff marks on your Lexus at about the height of the basket!


14. Being A Cheep-Ass

Some people forget that when eating in a restaurant situation, where one person is serving you the food, the proper thing to do at the end of the meal is to leave that person a tip. How much compensation is required for a tip depends upon the service given. If the service was satisfactory, a 15% tip is expected. If the server went out of their way to make sure that your experience was perfect, more is expected. At least 18-20%. Should less than this occur, you have waved your rights to personal physical protection and the server may now kick you in the face Chuck Norris-Style.
If you don't wish to tip or have your head over-heat while trying to figure out what 15% of $50.00 is, most McDonald's are now open 24 hours a day. Piss off there.


15. Gun Control

When riding with one or more other passengers in a car, yelling "shotgun" is a popular way to claim the front seat. Everyone over the age of 5 knows how coveted the front seat is. This, despite it being known as "the death seat" where all who sit in it have a greater chance of death in an accent. I guess Americans like to live on the edge, but this is not my point.
Instead, there are a few rules to "shotgun." The driver, obviously, does not have to be concerned with these rules. They have the damn keys. "Shotgun" must be called when the car is visible. When still within a location, such as a restaurant or home, "Shotgun" may not be recognized. There should be no physical barriers along your eyesight line of the vehicle.
The first potential passenger to call out "Shotgun" before all others will be the one to enjoy sitting in the front. The driver is the ultimate judge in this situation. Should he show unfair favor over one passenger, kicking of the driver's seat at stop lights and other junctures where the car is not in motion are acceptable repercussions. However, no permanent damage may be done to the seat.
"Shotgun" may be called by an individual twice in a row. There isn't a balance to the universe where your sister gets to ride "Shotgun" on the way home because you got to ride it on the way there. The world isn't fair. Might as well find that out early on with the claim to the death seat.


16. Tunage

The automobile offers a musical wonderland for it's passengers. With a variety of choices on the radio, satellite radio, CD, cassette, I-Pod and 8-track, the choices for music and talk are endless. However, the choice of the radio lies solely in the hands of the driver. It is them and them alone that will select the appropriate music and volume of the music. While requests may be offered of the passengers, the final decision of the audio issues within the car lies completely with the driver.
The reason for this is parallel to when you enter the driver's home. Their entertainment equipment, venue of entertainment and all other aspects of the guest's experience are determined by the host. In this case, the driver is hosting the passengers. It is up to the driver to provide the appropriate environment and weigh in the suggestions from all others in the vehicle, but is not required to accept all suggestions. Plus, the driver is the one who is accomplishing the most in the vehicle, thus should be cradled within the most pleasant environment they see fit.
The driver may give up their right to this awesome responsibility. This usually goes to the person who was lucky enough to get out "Shotgun" before all others. However, once the driver has made the decision that his previous forfeit of aural power was not a positive one, the driver may at any time re-gain control of the entertainment aspect of the automobile.
Finally, should the driver increase the volume of the audio, shut up. You have annoyed the driver with your conversation. You may have also accidentally called "music" by the improper name "tunage." No one in the history of man has ever found this funny, cute or even remotely amusing.


17. Tracking Nickels

There is no such thing as a MySpace Tracker. Stop telling me about it. Your bulletins are wasting my bandwidth. Also, Tom will not delete MySpace if I don't forward your message to all of my friends. Tom doesn't even own MySpace anymore. It is owned by News Corp (a.k.a. Fox). Finally, the cancer kid in Tree Rot, AK doesn't exist. He does not get a nickel for each time that I post your stupid bulletin. Even if he did, at the end of the day he would still be bald, have cancer and a shitload of nickels. If you want to do something positive for cancer, donate your lame-ass nickels to The American Cancer Society. Stop wasting my time.


18. Idiots Clicking

My inbox is flooded with tons of spam each day. Why? I've had my account for over ten years and everyone and their brother knows what my address is. An even better answer for the amount of spam that's in my inbox is that idiots click on it. Not me, idiots. A national campaign should be set up to prevent idiots from clicking on unsolicited messages that arrive in their inbox. Even if you are thinking about re-financing, look into it on your own, don't open the letter sent to you by the jack-ass in NJ who gets 8 cents each time someone clicks on his link. From then on he knows that you are a fool and will send you more crap. Soon, you may have already won an X-Box or you need to collect your K-Mart Gift Card or your penis may be way too small. (This condition only happens to those who respond to spam on the internet.)
If no one clicked on his crap, he wouldn't be making any money. If he makes no money, he can go back to his old job as an Assistant Manager at Taco Bell and take out his frustration on the Chalupas instead of on my valuable inbox space.


19. PCU

The age of PC should have been over by now. I'm done caring about whether or not I offend anyone. (This should be obvious to the regular readers already.) You are no longer a "Waste Management Engineer." You have gone back to "Garbage Man." Yes, "Man!" There is no such thing as a "Postal Carrier." I have a "Mail Man." Sometimes on his day off, there is a "Mail Woman." Why are we so concerned with gender? Is "Woman" that bad of a word?
What also goes out the window is saying someone's "young." Oh, she's now 84 years "young." Nope. She's 84 years OLD. Yes, "Old" doesn't sound as good as "young," but let's be honest, who you crappin'? We hear 84 and no matter what word you put after it, we think "old." Willard Scott is an idiot.


20. Knowing Is Half The Battle

Stupid people should not be aloud to discuss politics. If you haven't picked up a news paper in months, know who your governor is, and/or which political party has the symbol of a jack-ass, don't open your mouth when people begin discussing politics. You are not properly equipped to handle what is about to occur.
I recently had a very unintelligent person tell me that today's economy is awful due to George W. Bush. First off, the president has very little to do with the economy. Second, we are hitting new records nearly daily with an economy that has never been higher. Don't say anything that you can't back up with facts. Facts tend to help with discussing politics. When the only facts you have in your head revolve around which Hollywood starlet just went to rehab today and which one was released yesterday, go back to reading your "Entertainment Weekly" and practicing how to walk and chew gum at the same time.
Oh, same goes for religion. Pray you'll get a clue.

Got more? Let me know with a comment or e-mail.

Unwritten Rules

As we go through life in the greatest nation in the world, America, there are a few unwritten rules that govern modern society. These rules keep order and prevent civil war from breaking out. Here are a few that I have discovered that aid us in our life's travels.


1. The Courtesy Wave

When in traffic, should a fellow motorist allow you to merge, it is proper to give a sign of thanks. This sign become increasingly more important in heavy traffic situations.
The wave is done with the right hand and is a large motion. It starts from the passenger seat and slowly moves to the driver seat. It then goes back to the passenger seat. The repeating of this motion does not need to exceed three, for fear that it may be misconstrued as sarcasm. Also be sure to use the whole hand with the fingers together so it can not be seen as another popular traffic wave.
Keep in mind, a rapid movement of the arm is not necessary. You are showing thanks, not leaving port on a cruise liner.


2. The Fries

When dinning with others, what food is on their plate, is theirs. It may seem appetizing to you, but unless offered, it is theirs. Removing a portion of their food, such as French fries, without permission is a great offense. This rule is not negated by close relationships. This instead puts a strain on close relationships. (This also can be used as a deal breaker on dates. You want to date a respectful human being, not Helen Keller as a child! [Feel free to look that reference up.])
Ask for a fry and you may get several. Take a fry, take the trust out of a relationship... and risk getting your hand forked.


3. The Drink

This goes along with the fries situation. Although, it goes deeper. Is someone having a fruit smoothie that you wish to taste? You don't just dive right in when they have set it down. You also have to be tactful about the way that you ask for a sip. You must find a creative way to ask for a sip while they still have an out. Or, just be very obvious that you've "never had that drink before and wondered what it tasted like." They can either ignore you or offer you a sip. Either way, I'm sure they'll get the picture. Should they ignore you, don't be offended.
Some people have issues with you putting your weird-ass saliva into their drink. This is punishment for bad customers in restaurants. What makes you think that it will be welcome in their frozen treat?


4. Kindness For Your Protection

Also when dinning, you may need to interact with a waiter or waitress. This interaction should also have a certain degree of respect. This not only shows that you can "relate to the help," but could also prevent you from eating something that isn't on the menu.
Don't mess with those who bring your food. (See the movie "Waiting" for more examples of this.)


5. A Different Kind Of Waiting

When you have one friend on the phone and call waiting goes off, you now have a choice. Do you ignore the new incoming call, or do you interupt the conversation with the first person? Unless the call coming in is an emergency or someone that is difficult to get a hold of (Luke), you remain on the line with the original person. You have the ability to completely ignore the second call.
Should you take the second call, don't tell that person "Hold on, let me get rid of ____." Because when the next time the second person is the first, they will assume you said that about them too. Be cautious!


6. Picking A Winner

Ever feel like everyone is watching you at a stop light? We are. Get your finger out of there.













7. "Wanna Dance?"

On occasion when walking, your path may combine with someone else's path. As they are heading East, you are heading West. (Expect to see this more often in crowded areas such as malls, concerts, drapery stores, etc.) You will come to a point where you are roughly two feet apart. The easiest solution is to go right. (Unless in England, then you go left.) If you go to your right and they to theirs, problem averted and the whole event is erased from memory shortly after.
Under no circumstance is the phrase "Wanna Dance?" or anything similar ever to be said. It wasn't funny the first time that someone said it to you, why do you feel that if you put your own spin on it, someone else will find it humorous? Don't be silly. Move on.


8. ROTFLMAO

In the age of the computer, it is often thought that it is acceptable to abbreviate everything. This problem has gone even further with the popularity of the text message. This is not acceptable. You aren't really "LOLing," so don't type it. You look like an idiot. And even if you really are "Laughing Out Loud," just type the damn phrase. It won't take that much longer.
Also shortening phrases and words such as "idk" for "I Don't Know" or even "DNT" for "Didn't" or "Don't" just confuses the hell out of everyone attempting to understand what you are saying. In that event, we will just chalk it up to you being a brain-dead moron, disregarding everything that you say and moving on.
(All of this can apply to "Smiley Faces." These, too, have gotten WAY out of control. Stop it and express yourself with words, not animation.)


9. Check Your Work

For the past ten years or so, we have had this remarkable invention called "Spell Check." It has saved my ass several times. It isn't that difficult to use. It is a program that will point out words that could have possibly been spelled incorrectly. This program started with Microsoft (I think.) Word and has moved on to so many different venues. This blogging program has one, my internet browser has one, most web pages have one built in, etc.
It is all over the place. Use it. You have no excuse for a misspelled word that would have been picked up by spell check.
(Yes, I thought about this while typing the above and saw all the questionable words like "LOL." dammit. There's another one.)


10. Patience Is A Virtue

By now, majority of society knows how an elevator works. I doubt I'm being too presumptuous on this one. When waiting for the elevator to arrive, pushing the "up" or "down" button repeatedly will not cause the elevator to get their faster. No elevator has said "Gee, that person is in a hurry. Normally I take my time getting there, but today I'll pick up the pace!"
Also, should you arrive at an elevator where someone is already awaiting the doors to open, it can be assumed that this person has already pressed the button. There is no need for you to press it again. The person who was there before you was not waiting for assistance, but instead the elevator. The only situations where this rule can be by-passed is if you wish to go the opposite direction from the one who was there before you.

11. No Habla

The bathroom is a personal and private situation. Under no circumstances should a conversation be held through the bathroom door. Should a phone call come in for the person behind the door, they are "busy." (You may relate nature's call to the call waiting rule above.) Do you have something that you are dying to tell the person behind the door? I am willing to bet that they will be more focused on your story in a few moments. The only exception would be if what you have to say begins with something along the lines of "There is a fire out here," "I'm choking," "We have 5 minutes until impact," "There are massive amounts of blood out here," or something similar.
This rule also goes the other way. Should you hear a voice from beyond the door, it should be ignored. There are certain things that you should not be an innocent bystander to, for fear your innocence would be lost.



There are my 11. Do you have one or more? Let me know in a comment, e-mail, txt msg or any other form of communication. As long as it isn't on the phone. I'm on the other line.