Serving Rant

I am not a fan of waiting tables. Not at all.
Why do I do it? I certainly don't do it for the money, the prestige or the birthday songs. I do it because I enjoy the people that I work with. (Even the ones dating an accused murderer, sometimes.)
At the restaurant, they encourage us to call each customer "guest." I'm guessing it is because some focus group somewhere found the term "guest" was warmer and more personable than "customer" and they thought that the restaurant would get more repeat business if we approached each customer with this mindset. I, however, won't be doing this today. Mainly because the a-holes that I will be disgusing in this rant would NEVER be welcome in my home.
In every job, there are things that tick me off. The main thing about waiting tables is tips. Now, I have lucked out. I have been working in the service industry for over three years (two separate restaurants) and have only been stiffed roughly 6-7 times. However, this doesn't include the awful tips that sometimes get left.
Let me explain to you why tips are so very important. Obviously, the more money you tip, the more money goes to the server. That is an equation that everyone can figure out. However, what most people don't understand is that the server is working for LESS THAN Minimum wage. That's right. LESS THAN! Most servers make roughly $4 an hour. Why is this legal? It is because the government assumes that the server is not an idiot and can make up the remainder of the minimum wage from the tables they help. Plus the government assumes that the kindness of strangers will pay your rent. It usually does. What also happens is that at the end of the night, we have to tip out 3% of our total sales. 1% goes to the bussers who clean the tables. 1% goes to the bartenders who make the drinks. (This is 1% of everything, not just liquor sales, which I think is B.S. because what the hell does the bartender have to do with the chicken fingers that I served?!) and the final 1% goes to the hosts. Why we tip them out is beyond me, they are mostly morons who are too dumb to be able to handle a mindless job like waiting tables. Most of the time they can't even count to get the seating plan correct. But, that is a whole different rant.
Let me show you how easy it is to figure out your tip. If you can multiply by two, you can figure this out. You take the total of your bill and ignore everything after the decimal. If your bill is $15, then you double that. You get $30. Thus, your tip should be $3. If your bill is $55, double that. Your tip should be.... $11. See how easy that is?
Yet there are some people that have issues with that. OR you have the idiots that carry that tip card around with them so that they can figure it out to the penny. Don't worry about change - EVER. All it does is accumulate on my dresser. (Unless you want to toss me some quarters. I'm cool with quarters because I have laundry to do.)
There are other people that leave $5. NO MATTER WHAT THEIR BILL IS - $5. On a $20 bill, $5 is appreciated. On a $50 bill, it is frowned upon. On a $100 bill - you are getting your licence plate written down and I will come find you at your job and get your cheep-ass fired so you have no income to go out to restaurants ever again. Enjoy your Ramon noodles, bitch.
Right now, in order to bring in more customers, my restaurant is offering "buy one entree, get one entree free" coupons. Really? You have to be kidding me. This does bring in more customers, but it hurts our tips greatly. Let me explain.
Let us say that you and your friend have each ordered $20 meals. Your bill (if we keep this simple and take out appetizers, drinks and tax) would be $40. With the coupon, you would only have $20 left. You should still tip me on the $40. Give me AT LEAST the $8 that is due to me. I did 100% of my job. Just because you paid 50% doesn't mean you should tip me 50%. PLUS I have to tip out on the whole amount. Remember that 3% I mentioned earlier? That is on th $40 not on the $20. So, my tip is even LOWER thanks to these dumbass coupons.



Being a server makes you a racist. It does. I won't go into it, but what I will say is that the racist thoughts are shared with all servers irregardless of the race of the server. Everyone knows it, yet they can't discuss it at work or they risk being fired.
It sucks, I know. I treat all my tables the same, because on occasion you will find someone who wishes to live above the stereotype. Unfortunately, they are few and far between.
Tables that ask if there are "free refills" you know are not going to tip you well. If right off the bat you are proving that you are a cheep-ass, then we know that you are going to give only 10% or less on your bill.
If you run my ass off, I know that I'm not going to get a good tip from you. Logic would say that the inverse is true. Not so. If I drop off the food and one of the people at the table asks for a side of ranch, I smile (like I care) and run to the back to pester the cooks for the side of ranch that you should have asked for when you originally placed your order. The cooks are running around making meals for the entire restaurant. Most people don't realize that this could take a moment for them to stop what they are doing so they can put a bit of ranch in a cup for the customer that lacks fore-sight.
Should I return to your table with your precious dollop of ranch and another member of your table also asks for a side they neglected to order, not only am I pissed now because I have to go all the way back to the kitchen, ask for everyone to stop what they are doing once again and then bring it back to the woman who shouldn't be asking for more dressing ANYWAY, but I know that I'm not going to get tipped on this table.
Why? My theory is this. They don't get it. They don't see us handing multiple tables at the same time. Refills for this table, ordering for this table, check drop off at this table, sides for this one. Constant running. These people who run you don't see that they are not the only ones in the restaurant. I did not drive a half hour to work just to wait on you. (And if I did, I would expect your tip to AT LEAST cover my gas consumption on this hour-long round-trip!) I came in to work today to make money from every table that I am asked to help.



One other group of people that aggravate the F___ out of me is the indecisive. If you haven't made up your mind - FINE! When I ask "Are we ready to go?" Don't say yes and then say "I haven't really decided what I want." What part of my question was confusing? It is one thing if you are between two items and are asking for my opinion. (What I like is when I recommend option A over B and they look at the menu, thank me then pick option B. What was that? That some stupid power trip mind screw that you just pulled? If you don't want to use my opinion, then why the hell did you ask me in the first place?!) I get it. If you are close, then fine. But when you say that you are ready and you are not, you are wasting my time. More importantly you are wasting the time of all the other tables that I'm supposed to be helping. Out of the corner of my eye I see the 8 year-old at the table next you polish off his 12th Dr. Pepper that I could be refilling. I see the old people in the other direction finish looking at the desert menu with their selection in mind. I see the table behind me getting sat with a family of 5 with a high chair. All the while YOU CAN'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Release me. Let me take care of the other tables and I will be back to you in 3 minutes or less. By then you should have been able to make it through the entire menu several times. (Well, if you got help with the big words like "cheeseburger.")
At this point, I usually say something like "I can come back to you in a moment or two when you are ready." I have learned to not wait for a response. Because the indecisive are sure about one thing at this moment - they will "be ready in just a second." NO. NO YOU WON'T! I have been down this road before. The old people are getting impatient and want their cheesecake. The family behind me are looking for their server and are about to complain to management that no one has helped me and that little brat is banging his empty cup on the table in search of more Dr. Pepper!
What is just as bad are the cell phone users or the mumblers. I put these people in the same category because they are both capable of communication, but are not willing to do so. If I come up to your table and you are on the cell phone, what I used to do is patiently wait until you tell whoever is on the other line to hold while you make your order. Now I look at your eyes and then walk away. You know that I was there to help you out, but you are on the phone. I then don't come back up until you are off the phone. At the very core of what you are doing, it is rude and I won't tolerate it.
I also don't understand the mothers that come in with their kids and the kids have to occupy themselves with the crayons and placentas while mom is on the phone. Going out to eat should be a bonding experience for families. You shouldn't be talking about who did who over the weekend in front of your 3 year old anyway, you poor excuse for a parent. Put down the damn phone and talk to your kid before he grows up to be a thief because you didn't talk to him enough. I also have had it with the mumblers. If you place your order and I can't hear you, what I used to do was lean in and say "I'm sorry, what was that?" and really work with you. Now I lean back and say "I can't hear you."
"Oh, yeah, I want a cheeseburger."
"That comes with lettuce, pickle, onion and tomato."
"Aw, nofremblkake."
"What was that? I couldn't catch that."
"No pickles."
(I then start messing with you.)
"So that's lettuce, onion and tomato."
"Uh, slfcowhcqie."
"You are going to have to speak up."
"Uh, yeah."
"Any soup or salad to start?"
"Um, slehiwergonewasdoifweoihoigh4htaohgoihweoithhtew."
"Was there a number 4 in there? I didn't get any of that. Please repeat it." (at this point, usually the others at the table are just as aggravated with the mumbler as I am.)
"No."
"Great. I'm going to get that started."





After serving for as long as I have, you begin to notice personality types. I can (usually) within 30 seconds of talking to a table tell you what kind of tippers they are. Now, this doesn't mean that they won't always tip. Let me explain. Some people are just nice people. They are easy to get along with and are out to a restaurant for a change of pace. They are out to enjoy themselves with their families. This is the ideal situation. Very little effort is necessary here. Joke around a bit with mom and dad, call the kids sir and ma'am and you have it in the bag.
Then you have the people who have had a stressful day and are not in the best of moods. This can go either way. This is what separates the good servers from the bad servers. You can either make their day worse or better. It is up to how things go and you pray that the kitchen or the idiots that run your food don't mess anything up. Because, should the slightest mistake occur, all your hard work goes down the drain. However, these tables bring the greatest reward if you can turn their day around.
Then you have the sadistic bastards that come in that are at a restaurant NOT to have a good time with their families, but (I believe) because there is a place where they can order someone around. Perhaps something happened to them in their childhood or they have a boss that really brow-beats them. Whatever it is, it isn't my fault. Don't think that you can take it out on me. If you dish it, I will smile my biggest sarcastic smile and ask "Is there anything else I can do for you?" You won't be able to rattle me. If you have come in to piss me off, I will turn the tables and have you feeling worse when you leave. These people will pay for their piss-poor attitudes once Jesus calls them over on judgement day.
"Why am I not going to heaven?" They will ask wondering what they did wrong.
Jesus will reply "You were a jerk-face to that server. That is what pushed you over the end. If it wasn't for that, you'd be in. You will now spend an eternity fetching ranch from a kitchen that is too far."
I see this as part sociology experiment. I am a good judge of character and have become better thanks to this job. For example, I have recently been wondering why is it that the bigger the customer the smaller the tip? I really don't get this. I have a theory on this expressed by the following video:




What I like is when our dumb-ass hosts try to seat these people in the booths. Look, when you are halved by the table, perhaps you should start walking more. Oh, and SIT AT A DAMN TABLE!!!
Now, with all this being said, a healthy majority of customers are great people. They come in to have a good time and a good experience and don't want to make things hard on the server or anyone else. They make the job worthwhile. It is unfortunate that there are several ignorant a-holes that ruin it for everyone else.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for work.

Unwritten Rules Continued

The Unwritten Rules are coming in. Here are some of the new additions to the original 11. (They are like the Bill Of Rights.)
#12 and #13 are from Christa. They have been edited for punctuation, capitalization and content. To read them unedited, see the comment left on the post near the original 11 rules. You can learn more about Christa from her blog. Link is to the left.


12. Notification Of Lane Change And/Or Jerk-Face Behind The Wheel

People are so lazy that they cant just flick the stick to turn the ticker on!!!! I mean, being lazy enough not to pick up your clothes or do the dishes is one thing (acceptable on some days) but, REALLY how hard is it to move your hand for 3 seconds?!!? The simple notification of your intent is appreciated by all. This will prevent me from turning in front of you and/or me shooting at you on the express way when you realize all of a sudden, I want to be in the COMPLETELY OPPOSITE lane!



13. Always One Squeaky Wheel

Return your damn shopping cart after you've used it. Some people will push it to the grass and pick it up to put it on the grass, but cant walk 3 more inches to put it in the return! This common courtesy is for those who must retrieve these for the store. Think about what a pain in the ass this thank-less job is. Do we really need to make it that much more of a hassle for them? You wonder why you have scuff marks on your Lexus at about the height of the basket!


14. Being A Cheep-Ass

Some people forget that when eating in a restaurant situation, where one person is serving you the food, the proper thing to do at the end of the meal is to leave that person a tip. How much compensation is required for a tip depends upon the service given. If the service was satisfactory, a 15% tip is expected. If the server went out of their way to make sure that your experience was perfect, more is expected. At least 18-20%. Should less than this occur, you have waved your rights to personal physical protection and the server may now kick you in the face Chuck Norris-Style.
If you don't wish to tip or have your head over-heat while trying to figure out what 15% of $50.00 is, most McDonald's are now open 24 hours a day. Piss off there.


15. Gun Control

When riding with one or more other passengers in a car, yelling "shotgun" is a popular way to claim the front seat. Everyone over the age of 5 knows how coveted the front seat is. This, despite it being known as "the death seat" where all who sit in it have a greater chance of death in an accent. I guess Americans like to live on the edge, but this is not my point.
Instead, there are a few rules to "shotgun." The driver, obviously, does not have to be concerned with these rules. They have the damn keys. "Shotgun" must be called when the car is visible. When still within a location, such as a restaurant or home, "Shotgun" may not be recognized. There should be no physical barriers along your eyesight line of the vehicle.
The first potential passenger to call out "Shotgun" before all others will be the one to enjoy sitting in the front. The driver is the ultimate judge in this situation. Should he show unfair favor over one passenger, kicking of the driver's seat at stop lights and other junctures where the car is not in motion are acceptable repercussions. However, no permanent damage may be done to the seat.
"Shotgun" may be called by an individual twice in a row. There isn't a balance to the universe where your sister gets to ride "Shotgun" on the way home because you got to ride it on the way there. The world isn't fair. Might as well find that out early on with the claim to the death seat.


16. Tunage

The automobile offers a musical wonderland for it's passengers. With a variety of choices on the radio, satellite radio, CD, cassette, I-Pod and 8-track, the choices for music and talk are endless. However, the choice of the radio lies solely in the hands of the driver. It is them and them alone that will select the appropriate music and volume of the music. While requests may be offered of the passengers, the final decision of the audio issues within the car lies completely with the driver.
The reason for this is parallel to when you enter the driver's home. Their entertainment equipment, venue of entertainment and all other aspects of the guest's experience are determined by the host. In this case, the driver is hosting the passengers. It is up to the driver to provide the appropriate environment and weigh in the suggestions from all others in the vehicle, but is not required to accept all suggestions. Plus, the driver is the one who is accomplishing the most in the vehicle, thus should be cradled within the most pleasant environment they see fit.
The driver may give up their right to this awesome responsibility. This usually goes to the person who was lucky enough to get out "Shotgun" before all others. However, once the driver has made the decision that his previous forfeit of aural power was not a positive one, the driver may at any time re-gain control of the entertainment aspect of the automobile.
Finally, should the driver increase the volume of the audio, shut up. You have annoyed the driver with your conversation. You may have also accidentally called "music" by the improper name "tunage." No one in the history of man has ever found this funny, cute or even remotely amusing.


17. Tracking Nickels

There is no such thing as a MySpace Tracker. Stop telling me about it. Your bulletins are wasting my bandwidth. Also, Tom will not delete MySpace if I don't forward your message to all of my friends. Tom doesn't even own MySpace anymore. It is owned by News Corp (a.k.a. Fox). Finally, the cancer kid in Tree Rot, AK doesn't exist. He does not get a nickel for each time that I post your stupid bulletin. Even if he did, at the end of the day he would still be bald, have cancer and a shitload of nickels. If you want to do something positive for cancer, donate your lame-ass nickels to The American Cancer Society. Stop wasting my time.


18. Idiots Clicking

My inbox is flooded with tons of spam each day. Why? I've had my account for over ten years and everyone and their brother knows what my address is. An even better answer for the amount of spam that's in my inbox is that idiots click on it. Not me, idiots. A national campaign should be set up to prevent idiots from clicking on unsolicited messages that arrive in their inbox. Even if you are thinking about re-financing, look into it on your own, don't open the letter sent to you by the jack-ass in NJ who gets 8 cents each time someone clicks on his link. From then on he knows that you are a fool and will send you more crap. Soon, you may have already won an X-Box or you need to collect your K-Mart Gift Card or your penis may be way too small. (This condition only happens to those who respond to spam on the internet.)
If no one clicked on his crap, he wouldn't be making any money. If he makes no money, he can go back to his old job as an Assistant Manager at Taco Bell and take out his frustration on the Chalupas instead of on my valuable inbox space.


19. PCU

The age of PC should have been over by now. I'm done caring about whether or not I offend anyone. (This should be obvious to the regular readers already.) You are no longer a "Waste Management Engineer." You have gone back to "Garbage Man." Yes, "Man!" There is no such thing as a "Postal Carrier." I have a "Mail Man." Sometimes on his day off, there is a "Mail Woman." Why are we so concerned with gender? Is "Woman" that bad of a word?
What also goes out the window is saying someone's "young." Oh, she's now 84 years "young." Nope. She's 84 years OLD. Yes, "Old" doesn't sound as good as "young," but let's be honest, who you crappin'? We hear 84 and no matter what word you put after it, we think "old." Willard Scott is an idiot.


20. Knowing Is Half The Battle

Stupid people should not be aloud to discuss politics. If you haven't picked up a news paper in months, know who your governor is, and/or which political party has the symbol of a jack-ass, don't open your mouth when people begin discussing politics. You are not properly equipped to handle what is about to occur.
I recently had a very unintelligent person tell me that today's economy is awful due to George W. Bush. First off, the president has very little to do with the economy. Second, we are hitting new records nearly daily with an economy that has never been higher. Don't say anything that you can't back up with facts. Facts tend to help with discussing politics. When the only facts you have in your head revolve around which Hollywood starlet just went to rehab today and which one was released yesterday, go back to reading your "Entertainment Weekly" and practicing how to walk and chew gum at the same time.
Oh, same goes for religion. Pray you'll get a clue.

Got more? Let me know with a comment or e-mail.