John Mc

This is a collection of my thoughts. Some of the thoughts that I once had, I no longer do. Some thoughts I have now I have never had. Yet none shal be discounted. This blog is soley for the enjoyment of the author and the readers. On occasion the views expressed are overly exagerated in order to prove a point. Also there may be a dirty word or thought in some of the posts. Grow up and take this for what it's worth - a blog that barely anyone will ever see.


Complexities Solved

Been thinking a little recently about stuff. (You have to think about stuff, don't you? You can't really think about nothing. You can think about the concept of nothing, but that would then be something negating the whole nothingness aspect of it.)
Anyway, it is pretty short and simple. It is simplification. It seems that in life, I tend to select the simple solution. It is usually the best solution. So many elements of life are riddled with complexities. Sometimes so much that we can't see what we started with.
However with simplification, there is little room for needless elements.
For example, I don't have a 700' HD tv. My 27" works just fine. I'm content with it. Would I like and HD? Sure, who wouldn't. However, I am not about to go out and buy one anytime soon. I have told several people recently that I haven't ever downloaded music for an IPod and haven't bought a CD in ages. Why? The music I like is on the radio. However, usually it is WLS that I listen to. (Newstalk station, for the out-of-towners that read.)
What do I look for in a woman? Simple. I don't want someone who takes an hour and a half to get ready. I don't need a super model. Just someone who is interesting and would enjoy laughing about stupid stuff over a pizza. That to me is a great date. I don't need the carriage ride through the city with the champagne and violin players. Jeans, T-Shirt and a Bears game is awesome.
Now, some may say that is just me being a guy. Nope. I think it is me just being simple. I don't need a lot to be happy. That is what I enjoy.
When it comes to life's problems, the simple solution is usually the best. It is also usually the first one that comes to mind. These situations are a little harder to explain. I can't really think of a good example of one right now either. But, when one comes up, you'll know what I mean. It isn't anything like playing the lottery over well-planned investing. It is more of a do with your life what you were set out to do kind of thing. Take the route that is the most comfortable, but be ready to take some bumpy roads to get to the comfortable one.
I know that I'm being vague and, in some cases, rather obvious. There is a certain "duh" quality to all of this, but that just means that you get it. I think.
I'm going back to more pondering... after The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I'll be back with "random thoughts" before the night is out. I think I will do "random thoughts" once a week. It will be just a string of unrelated things on my mind that I will share with you once a week. Or, for as long as I feel like writing them. But, now, brain off so I can enjoy some leftist humor from Jon Stewart.


Waiting... For Something Else

I believe that I told you that I am now working for a restaurant. It is one of those national chain restaurants, but that is as far as I'll go with the name. Last thing that I need is to be sued because of a blog.
So, I say that I'm working there, but that isn't quite true just yet. You see, each potential waiter (or waitress - I refuse to use the P.C. term "server.") has to undergo a series of tests. Not endurance or drug tests, mind you, but instead a bunch of tests on the menu and drinks and policies and crap like that.
I can't tell you how aggravating it is. Why do I need to know what garnish comes on our cheesy chicken dish? Is that important info that will make or break my ability to put it in the computer system and then walk it out after the kitchen is done making it? Will a customer ask me what the garnish is while they hold open the menu, point to it's paragraph long description that is sitting next to a picture of the thing? If they do, I might recommend the kids menu. It comes with crayons. Make it pretty for me and I will bring out your spaghetti.
I also need to know what is in every single drink that is served. Or at least the ones that they happen to be pushing this month. I realized from these exercises that I am not a big drinker. If it doesn't end in "and coke," I have no idea what is in these things. Rum, vodka, tequila - I have no clue.
They then tell me about the other elements to the job. These are small little tasks that I need to stay on top of during my time spent waiting on tables. I re-fill the sugar packets or wrap the silverware in napkins or make sure the ketchup is full. I don't even know what else there is, but I do know that I looked at every one of them and said to myself - I'm a college graduate. I really shouldn't be worried about whether or not table 563's ketchup is getting too low.
The more that I'm there, the greater my job search becomes when I'm not there. I run to my computer and check and all the other websites with my resume on it to see if there is something out there that can take me away from this hellish existence that requires a uniform. I have decided that I would rather wear a tie than a uniform. For those of you who know me, you know that is one element of work that I hoped I would never have to do. I was hoping to always be in a casual environment.
But, this job has shown me the light. Sometimes a casual environment is casual because the high school student who is right next to me doesn't own a tie.
So, should you know of anything else ANYTHING else - let me know. SOMETHING that will give me enough money for food, I'm game.

NFL Preview

I know. I know. This blog is for more than NFL crap, but I haven't had much time lately to update you on anything else. Soon, though. I promise. Some weird and wacky stuff is about to be released. In the meantime, here's how this week's games are going to play out:

Bears over Vikings
Dolphins over Titans
Panthers over Bucks
The Lions will beat The Packers (With a 0-2 start, perhaps Farve will feel the heat and make this a close one? We will see.)
Jets over the Bills. This is my upset of the week.
Skins over Texans
Colts will beat the Jags.
Ravens over the Browns
Steelers will lose to Cin.
The Giants have no chance against Sea.
Cardinals over the Rams (Close one here.)
Eagles will beat The 49er's
Denver will fall to NE.
Falcons will beat the Saints on Monday.

There ya go. Good luck this week - especially if you are a Vikings fan. You're going to need it.


How Did I Do?

Well, I did better this week with my NFL picks than I did last week. 7:4 is this week's record. This makes my second week total (workin' in last week's score) at - 15:12
That first week is going to be hard to over come, but we shal as the weeks continue and the teams' abilities become more evident. In my fantasy football leagues, I lost in the pay leage this week leaving my record 1:1. I only lost by 3 points! 74:77. If the free league I won 121:87. I wish I could have borrowed a few points from the free league. Oh well.
I'll fill you in on some "random thoughts" and what has been going on with me either later today or tomorrow morning.


Under The Wire

You thought I forgot, didn't you?
It is 25 minutes to kick-off and I have the picks for this week.
Because I'm pressed for time, you won't get the fancy pictures you got last week. Maybe next week. Or maybe I'll put them in later.

Here we go:

Da Bears over DET (The Bears will have a perfect season this year, if it's up to me)
MIA over BUF
MIN over CAR
CIN over CLE
IN over HOU (By a lot!)
GB over NO (I'm back and forth a lot on this one. It should be an interesting game.)
PHI over NYG
BAL over OAK (after Oakland's performance last week, this is a no-brainer!)
ATL over TB (This is a heated rivalry, so expect a great game here.)
SEA over AZ (This should be interesting with SEA's new pick-up of Branch. Watch both teams go to the air during this game.)
STL over SF
DEN over KC (Plummer wants to prove himself. If he doesn't, a great QB is waiting in the wings to take his job. Watch Plummer's team rally around him to get the win. If Plummer starts to fail like last week, perhaps KC's back up to Green will take them for a narrow win.)
NE over NYJ
SD over TEN
DAL over WASH (This will be a great game to watch. Very aggressive football here!!!)
PIT over JAC (Again, see above!)

There you have it. That is who will win this week in football. However, based on last week, only half of these teams will win!

Enjoy your football this week. And as always, Go Bears!


Money! That's What I Want!

I feel that it is important that I keep you up-to-date on what is going on with me. All the 3.7 readers of this blog are interested in hearing what I'm up to. Ok, well, perhaps one of you have some degree of interest.
Well, starting tomorrow I will begin my job at a local restaurant. It is a national chain store, but I will not reveal what restaurant it is for fear of being sued or something. Should anyone who knows me post the true name of where I'm employed, that post will be deleted. I'm nearly positive that there will be some great stories that come out of the new job that I have.
Already they are telling me that they are a "family" and that they promote a "fun environment" for their staff and their "guests." Guests? You have to be kidding me. Whenever I have a guest at my home, I offer them free drinks and food. I'm assuming that they don't wish for me to extend this same amount of courtesy to the "guests" that they have at their restaurant.
But, the whole "family" thing also gets me. I'm 27 and am not going to do this job one day more than I need to. While I'm holding a grilled chicken breast for a random jack-ass, I will also have my resume on about 10 different job finder websites with hopes of getting a "real job." And by "real job," I mean something that will require me to wear a tie and no longer work for tips and call everyone (including my boss) by their first name "because we are a family."
I was talking with my friend Luke about how businesses try to "encourage their workers." There are so many stupid things that major corporations do to promote better productivity. He and I worked (I for MUCH less than he) at a cellular company's call center. He is still stuck there and hating every day.
I constantly hear about how the most productive call center group will get a pizza party on Friday if they achieve their goals over any other group. Whoop-de-freakin'-do. It is always cold pizza because your break schedule doesn't let you to take a break when the pizzas come in. And the only pizzas left are the ones that no one else wanted. Some experimental freak recommended the Pineapple and Salmon pizza that remains the only one left in the small joke of a break room. You result to your standard cup of tea and pat yourself on the back for a job well done for nothing.
They offer candy bars or a cell phone holder to the customer service rep that makes a difference in their bottom line. Who the crap are they kidding? Who cares? Is there really anyone who is going to push the agenda further for a Snickers bar? I recall walking down the aisles seeing people literally banging their heads on their desks, putting people on hold to let loose a string of curse words that would be long enough for them to hang themselves from and people literally pulling their hair out.
I thank God each day that I'm no longer there. However, being a waiter in a chain restaurant might not be much better. And it definently won't pay as much as I could have made if I was still taking calls.
But, you may have noticed that Google has become a part of my page. They will have a few random searches on the top of my page for you to look at. They try to relate to the topics that I've talked about (Right now they are searches based on the NFL). For every person that clicks on there, I get a few pennies. I'm not too sure how much, but let's give it a shot. Click on the links above this story and all others written after it. Let's see how much I can get just by you clicking on the links above.
You don't have to do much of anything else. I'm not asking for your first born. I'm asking for an extra can of soup at the end of the month. What would be great is to get a check for 30 cents after Google puts a 37 cent stamp (or whatever it is up to now) on the envelope.

So, click away or tip good. I need your money and I'm not afraid to whore myself out to get it!

Home Made Videos

I don't know what it is, and I don't pretend to understand it, but every time that I watch "America's Funniest Home videos" I crack up. I can't stop laughing. It is guaranteed. Whether it is the new editions or the old Bob Saget ones, I can't get enough. It is some degree of a guilty pleasure. I pride myself on having somewhat of a refined taste when it comes to entertainment, as you may have been able to tell by my previous movie reviews. However, the most poorly produced collection of crotch shots and fat guys ruining backyard pools cracks me up to no degree. There is no production value. There is no script or great cinementography. But, it always provides a great degree of laughter from me.
I felt the need to share this with you to get a greater insight into the person behind the words on this barely-read blog. What sparked this revelation was watching "Jack-Ass" on MTV2 this evening. I have seen this program before, and I shouldn't be as entertained with this program as I am, but yet, I can't get enough. The re-runs always make me laugh out loud. This is rare when watching scripted sitcoms. Yet watching the guys attempt a loop-de-loop on a skate board gets me goin'. I don't get it, but I know that I can't get enough.
I am even looking forward to "Jack-Ass The Movie Part II." If my friend Stretchy was still around, I'm positive that we would see it opening day together. Stretchy is more picky than I am with movies, TV and other forms of entertainment, but he is more obsessed with Jack-Ass than I am.
So, poorly produced videos of people doing stupid things are a greater form of entertainment to me than films like "Beerfest" where months of production value are poured into the final product. It's weird and strange, yet give me Johnny Knoxville testing out the potential of a cup over whatever Hollywood is putting out anyday.


NFL Picks

I have some bad news and some good news.
The good news is that I won in both of my fantasy leagues. We are on a roll. I had some REALLY high scores in both leagues. This usually means that I will loose the next 3 weeks in both leagues.
The bad news is that I don't think I did too well in picking last week's winners in the NFL.

I was wrong about half of my picks. I came out 8:8. (Go ahead and check 'em) Not a good first week. After looking at the wins/losses of this week I was surprised I did as well as I did.

But, at least The Bears did well this week. Shutting out Green Bay for the first time since 1991. Now bring on Detroit to do the same thing.

I will try to pick the NFL games again on Thursday.


9/11 response

As most of you know, my friend Luke has a blog. He has written a post about 9/11 and this is the response that I tried to post on it, but it wouldn't let me. I encourage you to read everything that he has said and then my response and form your own opinion. Click here to read what he has written.

You make some good points, but exaggerate a few of them. Saddam was never an enemy of Osama. Al Queta has been known to have connections with Iraq before Sept. 11th. Going after Iraq without finding Osama doesn't make much sense. Why haven't we gone after him? Because he is hiding out in Pakistan. We are bound by friendly relations with Pakistan and UN crap so we aren't able to search there. He is no longer in Afghanistan. We could have gotten him during the Clinton administration - but we didn't want to upset any Muslims by going after the terrorists who killed 17 servicemen aboard the USS Cole. Clinton was working on the peace agreement between Israel and Palestine. We saw how well that went.
Do I agree with the war in Iraq? Yes and no. Is the world a better place without Saddam? Anyone who says "no" is an idiot. Should we have gone in when we did? Probably not. We should have finished the job the first time we went in.The idiots that also say that we should pull out now have no respect for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice during this conflict. Should we leave the unstable government of Iraq now, within a max of 10 years, it will be back to the way it was and all will be for nothing. (Oh, and anyone else who says that we went in their for oil will get punched in the gut. If we did, would we still be paying around $3 a gallon? You are an idiot if you still think that's a reason. France, I'm talking to you!)
We won't go after North Korea because they can bomb the hell out of us. They are close enough that they are one of the few countries that have that possibility. With supposed nukes as well. (The first step we are trying to make is imposing sanctions on them via the UN.) Might want to avoid losing California to a nuclear blast. (But, that would get rid of a lot of our nation's problems, now that I think about it...) Next stop should be Iran and then on to Pakistan if they don't let us look around for Osama and other assholes hiding in caves over there. After we take out those two, we can point a finger to the Sudan and other places in Africa and say "shape up, or your next" and they will calm the hell down. It is then and only then that North Korea will be an option. Should we go after them, South Korea will go along with us, for sure. Japan and China, due to proximity to the evil that is North Korea, will probably help as well. With a stronger grouping of nations backing us, we can take out a great deal of the thorns in our side that you discuss in your blog. However, this is in an ideal world. One that we don't live in. Do I see this happening? Probably not.
What has happened in 5 years? Our government has pulled the wool over our eyes and given us a false sense of security by not allowing Pepsi on the flights that we have to take our shoes off for. We have a color-coded alert system. We have done nearly nothing to secure our airports, sea ports or borders. Yet we can all tell what color the terror alert is thanks to the scroll on the bottom of Fox News.
Don't get me wrong, I think Bush has done what he could... to a point. He doesn't really want to rock the boat - especially when his buddies across the street are looking at mid-term elections. I think that the congress is dragging their feet and will continue to do so with it being an election year. These assholes need to stop thinking about getting re-elected and start doing what is right for our nation. That is one of the biggest problems with our system. Each time the ball gets moving, they get concerned about what Mr. Joe Culdesac might think about an armed guard on every plane or a big freakin' fence on our South AND North borders with an armed guard every mile. Where will the spending come from? Will it seem egocentric? Shouldn't we focus more on lower emissions from semi-trucks?
We may be living in a post-9/11 world. However, we aren't acting like it enough. Who is to blame for that? Everyone AND no one.


Today and Yesterday.

I majored in radio in college but, my friend Tim decided to go with a broader degree of "communications." He did, however, have a class in radio and asked for my help. So, I drove out there, we decided it was too late to get started. So, we watched some WWF on TV and went to "Molly's" (a local bar) for a little while. We made it, as we did most nights, a late night.
That is why we were aggravated when an early morning phone call woke us up. Tim answered the phone and his roommate groggily asked "Who was that?" I just started to go back to sleep. Tim said "It was my mom. She said to put on the TV."
Out of curiosity, I opened one eye. I saw a high-rise on fire. I opened the other one to find out that it was in New York and that a plane had hit the building. I was concerned for the people, but accidents happen, right? There was a fire in The Loop not long before that. Between conversation and listening to the TV, we tried to figure out what was going on.
Then we saw the other plane hit. I knew something was up. That was one hell of a coincidence. Who was behind it? How did it happen? No one seemed to know. Speculation riddled the newscasts pointing to several different sources and possibilities.
We began hoping and praying that everyone got out of the buildings without injury. Then we watched what we didn't expect to see - one of the buildings fell. Just like when they take down buildings in Vegas to make room for a new casino, but this time no one knew if there was anyone inside. The next one fell shortly after. We saw images of clouds of ash and debris racing down streets as people ran from them.
What we saw in a little more than an hour was unbelievable. I had never seen anything like this short of a movie. By lunch, I was convinced that our first priority should be to go after these bastards.
I drove home soon after that to go to church. I noticed how quiet everything was. No airplanes in the skies and barely anyone on the road. I didn't listen to the radio, because I had heard enough coverage at that point.
After work, I went home just in time to see the president's speech on the day's events. The next day, flags flew on porches in my neighborhood and from car windows. Each store front had one in their window. A Chicago newspaper printed a flag on a full page to give those who couldn't afford a flag something to put up in their windows.
It was a unique experience. To witness the greatest tragedy in the history of our nation live on television then to watch everyone in the country join together under the red, white and blue was amazing and saddening.
Soon, the flags came down. The congress was done singing together. The unity began to fade. Life on September 10th tried to come forth. Instead a war in Afghanistan, shoe checks at the airports and a color-coded warning system wouldn't allow that. Even music reminded us of the new world that we were living in.

A few years after September 11th I visited New York. One of the stops that I made sure that I made was at Ground Zero. I wasn't too sure what to expect. I had to get a ticket to enter the area. A maze was created by ropes and metal fences on the way to the plywood ramp and observation deck. All along the route were poems that were now runny with the rain. There were pictures of fallen police and firefighters. There were teddy bears that were worn from the elements. We paused by candles that had long burned down. Not an inch of the fence by the church was left vacant.
The build up to seeing Ground Zero was as emotional as seeing it. There were messages written in the plywood to those who lost their lives and to those who were still struggling with the loss. I didn't take a picture of Ground Zero. I didn't pull out the video camera. Instead I said a prayer, wrote my own message on the wood and walked down the ramp.
Just like September 11th, I will never forget that day. What had seemed distant while it occurred now was right before me.
I learned that there was a golden globe once sat proud in a fountain in between the two towers. It was rescued in tact from the wreckage and moved to a near-by park. I made my way over there to see it as well.
There was something symbolic about the globe surviving the events with only a few dings. It was changed, but still there. I crossed the ropes surrounding it to touch it.
I have never gone into my feelings on these days and probably never will.

Our world was changed five years ago. We have united behind a common purpose to never let this happen again. The methods in which we are hoping to accomplish this are up for debate. What I will never forget is the days and weeks after what happened to us that blue-skyed morning. The power and comfort found in the unity of Americans could be felt on every door step, street and high way. It was proudly displayed in every available aspect of our lives. We were kinder, more understanding and walked a little straighter.
I only hope on this anniversary that we see as many flags and as much pride as we saw that day.


Denny Crane! Denny Crane! Denny Crane!!!

Came across an e-mail that I thought to share with you. The reason there is a picture of James Spader and William Shatner on my blog is because they are from the best law firm in Boston and on a remarkable show on Tuesday nights on ABC called "Boston Legal." (Check for local times) It should be starting up again in a week or two. I highly recomend it. For more information on the show, click the picture. But, now - on with weird and stupid things people have said in court.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


It Starts Again!

More than my birthday, more than Christmas day - I look forward to the start of the NFL season. It starts today! Wow. It has been so long. So many months have passed since a real NFL game has been played. Even longer since the play-offs and the regular season.
Just like the beginning of every season - no team can really be pinned down as being better or worse than they were last season. Even if you factor in all the off-season trades and the draft, you can't determine the quality of any given team. You can never factor injuries, roster adjustments or that precious "x-factor" found on any given Sunday.
Tonight's the night were all the off-season speculation is put to the test. The starters are in and playing to keep their position. And now that all of my drafts are complete, I will let you know which players to root for as the season progresses.

First, the pay league:

Trent Green
Jake Plummer
Larry Johnson
Corry Dillion
Fred Taylor
Travis Henry
Chad Johnson
Rod Smith
Eddie Kinneson
Daunte Stalworth
Jeremy Shockey
Tony Gonzalez
J. Willkins

The Free League:
Donnivan McNabb
Drew Bledsoe
Rudi Johnson
Brian Westbrook
Deuce McCallister
Travis Henry
Steve Smith
Terrel Owens
Eddie Kinneson
Mushin Muhammad
Jeremy Shockey
Randy McMichael
Matt Stover
Ryan Longwell

There. Now, commit that to memory so you can always root for me. I will keep you updated on how well I do.
Each week I will also give you my picks for that weekend. These are NOT for betting purposes. They are for entertainment only! If you bet using these and loose, it isn't my problem. If you win, I expect a cut.

Tonight's Game:
Miami over Pits.

ATL will loose to CAR
TB will beat up on BAL
NE over BUF
KC barely over CIN (this is a close one)
DEN will take STL
NO over CLE (But, again - a close one)
The NYJ will loose to TEN
HOU will fall to PHI
SEA will beat DET

CHI over GB (obviously!!!)
DAL over JAC
AZ over SF

Sunday Night:
IND over NYG

Monday Night:
WAS over MIN
SD over OAK

And there you have it. Enjoy the first week of the NFL, friends. I know that I will! Especially if I win in both leagues!


It's All Fun And Games Until The Movie Sucks

When I go to the movies, there is a game that I play with my friends when the previews are playing. I try not to miss the previews because I enjoy this game so much. Throughout the week I will have seen many promos for movies and will have somewhat made up my mind as to whether or not I want to see them. But, once the previews before the main feature play - it's game time. You must have a definitive desision of whether or not you are going to see that movie by the minute and a half series of clips provided.
After each preview, I turn to my friend and give a thumbs up, thumbs down or the VERY RARE "I need more information." If the film has Chris Katan or Jimmy Fallon in it - it always gets a "thumbs down." If there is any dispute among my friends over my rating the following response is popular: "What are you crazy?!" The adjective can be switched out with "nuts" or "high." If the film has Jet Lee in it or just has a series of car chases and/or explosions, ALSO a "thumbs down." Any objection to this is usually "You're dumb." Or perhaps "No way!" Or even "You're going to be the only jack-ass to drop $8 on that piece of crap and the rest of us will laugh at you while pointing as you leave the movie theater. You will then cry and beg God to give you the hour and 18 minutes back so you can spend it doing something productive like helping starving kids, reading the classics or watching info-mercials with Mandy Moore talking about pimples."
Now for a thumbs up, all I need to hear is "Ed Norton in-" and I'm sold. Ed Norton does NOT do bad movies. "American History X," awesome. "Fight Club," brilliant. I even liked "Death to Smoochy." You can argue with me on that one. I will listen to your argument and then disregard it. Should you begin an argument about the first two, I will walk away from you and you will be put in time-out for at least a half hour.
But, an obvious part of this equation is your friends. If your friends are not there, it becomes awkward turning to a random stranger and saying "Yeah, I'm going to see that one. It looks good." While hoping that they get your sarcasm and don't call security on you pretending that you are Ebert.
I have never gone to the movies alone. I never will. If you can't find AT LEAST one friend to go to a movie with you - don't go! It's that easy. We developed the DVD for those times where you can't find someone to go to the movies with you. That is why it is there. Hit up Family Video and pick up something that you missed last year because you couldn't find someone to go to the movies with you. If you start going to the movies by yourself, you might as well give up on life. Turn in your wardrobe for sweat pants and hooded sweat shirts. You are done. Any kind of social bounds that you experienced before you said the words "One for Mission Impossible Three," are now gone. You are now free of that which restains society. But, alone. VERY alone.
Wanna know why everyone was busy that night? BECAUSE IT WAS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THREE!!! Tom Cruise is a psycho. All those Scientologists are! He was jumping on couches! He's the annoying little gnat of Hollywood. And if MI:II sucked, what hope is there for part three? Not only does Scientology's biggest embarrassment need to be quarantined on a desert island for life, so does the jack-ass who green lighted that. MI:II is on my top ten list of worst movies of all time. Ready for my list? Too bad, here it is:

10. Mission Impossible: 2 with psycho
9. Stewart Smally Saves His Family (This was BEFORE I knew that Al Frankin was a traitor to our country. I should have guessed after he released this bomb on America.)
8. 3,000 Miles To Graceland with Kurt Russel
7. Evita with Madonna (Why sing when you can talk. It saves time.)
6. Deuce Biggalo: European Giggalo with Rob Schnider (The first one was great. What happened?!)
5. Taxi with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifia
4. Beer Fest with a bunch of losers
3. Corky Ramono with Chris Katan
2. The Night Listener with Robin Williams
1. Punch Drunk Love with Adam Sandler

Now, you may disagree with me on some of those. That is your God given right as Americans to do so. But, that doesn't mean that you are right. As a matter of fact, you would be wrong.

What made me think of all of this was seeing "Beerfest" with Rick last night. I felt like seeing a movie. I recommended "Talladega Nights." Rick wasn't into it. "Little Miss Sunshine" - he hadn't heard of it. "WTC" was just too dark for right now. So, we settled on "Beerfest."
Let me describe the hatred I had/have for this film. Pick out your favorite limb. Perhaps your right arm or left leg. Just select it. Imagine that if you saw this crapfest of a film that you would have to give the ticket taker that limb as well as your $8. (I always pay $7 with my student discount. I know that I barely look like the picture on there taken 6 years ago, but it still works. I am so good to be able to slip that one past the very tight security they have at the theaters. That 16 year old high school sophomore has NO idea what's goin' on! When you think about it, every 7th movie is essentially free. It is the Subway Sub Card for movie theaters. I'm such a genius.)
However, this movie was NOT worth $7. I am doubtful that I would ACCEPT $7 to see it. Let me tell you a bit about it. Don't worry, I won't spoil the OBVIOUS stupid ending for the 1/4 brained mouth-breathers out there that might actually want to see cinematic diarrhea.
So, an old German guy dies. Leave behind a doll to his grandsons. He also asks them to spread his ashes in Germany during Octoberfest. Little did they know that the guy who they would meet up with would take them to Beerfest which is a secret beer drinking competition held under the streets of Germany during Octoberfest. There teams from around the world drink beer fast and play quarters. (Who ever comes up with this stuff is GENIUS!!!)
They are ridiculed out of there and go back to the states where they assemble their own team with hopes of returning the next year and mopping the floor with the pompous Germans that kicked them out in the first place.
They get together their old college buddies. These well-developed characters include the token fat guy that can eat and drink a lot. His name, "Landfill." Some gay Indian guy who's name wasn't important enough to remember. The nerdy Jewish scientist. And finally... I think that's it. Plus the two brothers who had NO character traits what-so-ever. They were as well defined as contestants on "The Price Is Right" who never get called to "Come on down."
Also, the grandfather left Germany with the recipe for the best beer Germans have ever created. Where could he have kept that? I don't know. Read over the previous two paragraphs for the answer. It wasn't hard to figure out.
There is more. I just can't bring myself to talk about this waste of film any longer.
I've seen better acting in home movies. The plot was so thin that you could see how it ends before the previews were done. The writing was done by an 8 year old for a third grade assignment.
(If it were realalistic, the Irish would have beat the hell out of everone else anyway!)
The only things that I liked about this movie were that 1) there was beer. 2) they played AC/DC. 3) it ended.
So, avoid it at all cost... unless you don't value your right arm.


The Wisdom of Homer

Click on the picture to read the many nuggets of wisdom from Homer Simpson. You will also be able to see what Ozzy, Pamela Anderson and Tom Petty have to say about stuff, but Homer trumps them all. He even trumps Donald Trump... who couldn't be reached for comment. So I will say whatever I want to about him.