Inflation Studies Over 35 Years

For the past 35 years, The Price Is Right has been on TV. 35 years. It has been around longer than I have. Yet, the only times that I have watched it was recently (being unemployed, it’s great to pack up your worldly belongings to) and when I was sick as a kid. Dane Cook feels that this program must have some medicinal value to it.
While technology and taste has changed in 35 years, The Price Is Right has not. They are still using the same awful sets from the 70’s and despite the advancements in microphone technology, Bob Barker is still using that 3 foot stick that we have all associated with him.
Rowdy Randy (Rest in Peace) will call out someone’s name from the audience and they have never been more exited in their entire life. Jumping up and down, screaming and slapping high-fives all the way down to Contestant Row. What I will never understand is the guessing of the prices. If a $50 item is brought out and contestant 2 guesses $51 and contestant 3 guesses $30, contestant 3 gets the opportunity to continue while constant 2 has to sit down like a dummy. I have always thought that the person closest to the actual cost should go up, because they have demonstrated their skills at knowing how much worthless crap costs. What I always liked were the cocky contestants who would guess $1. They looked at their competition and with great pride would call out $1. About once a week it backfires on them. Because they forget that they are contestant #3 and #4 pulls out a $2 bid. So, unless the blender costs $1.99 or lower, contestant #3’s cockiness has just cost them the opportunity to give Bob a kiss on the cheek. For some reason, the contestants ALWAYS forget what they had bid. When the final amount is given, Bob always has to identify the winner by name because all four of them have a stupid look on their face wondering what it was that they had said only 30 seconds earlier.
Everyone always hoped for an easy game. Some of the challenges that these poor bastards are put through are more stressful than anything on Fear Factor. You have to flip the numbers around to get the price or change the items around themselves to reflect the actual price or even parachute out of a plane and land on the correct “X” to get the Green Giant frozen peas.
Then came the big wheel. Your goal was to get as close to $1 without going over. Again with the going over. Carol could win with 25 cents, but if you got $1.05, you were out and didn’t get to go to the Showcase Showdown. There are only two options when spinning the wheel. You either spun it so slowly that it didn’t go around the first time and the audience feels your pain, or you spin it so much that Bob asks you to step back in case it rolls off and takes out half of Contestant Row. That thing must be on titanium hinges.
The two winners of The Wheel get to go on to the Showcase Showdown. For some reason I thought the prizes were better when I was a kid. Now they suck. Sure they are still giving away a car, but it’s still nothing that you would want anyone to see you driving. “You could win a BRAND NEW KIA!!!” (With California emissions, of course) Also included in the showcase was a case of Pepsi and a $10 alarm clock.
At the end of every show, Bob hopes that everyone helps control the pet population by spaying or neutering their pets. The first time you hear this, it kind of throws you. It doesn’t fit at all. People are competing for crap prizes, kissing an old man with a weird mic on a set decorated in 1971 and then Bob recommends that you dismember your pet. Out of all the causes that he could have chosen to push with each show, the control of the pet population is one closest to his heart. I just want to meet the guy who heard that for the first time from Bob and looked at Fluffy and said “You and I have to make an appointment with the Vet, as soon as I’m done with my 10am beer.”
Composed on 06/19/2006

The Complexities Of Man

What I may never understand is a woman who says “I just don’t understand men.” I hear this all the time from female friends and even from movies and TV. Women are constantly trying to “figure us out.” So, to put this issue to rest once and for all, I’m going to spill the beans. Want to understand men? I’m laying all the cards out on the table.
Men all have a main objective. We all have one primary thought or goal. While it varies due to age, here are the primary goals of all of men:

0-10 - Candy
10-13 - Ninjas
13 - Death - Women

Now, this isn’t to say that we don’t have other goals in life, but these are our primary goals. Most adult men are constantly on a quest for these top ten things:

1) Women
2) Food
3) Beer
4) Women
5) TV
6) Sleep
7) Women
8) Sports
9) Stuff blowing up. (Action movies would also fall under this category)
10) Women

Seeing something interesting there? We are very simple creatures. Our basic needs are not far off from the average dog. Give us some food, entertainment and females. With these things, we are pretty much set. Now, all men want women. We want to be around them and hopefully date them. We like it when they are on our TV and in our movies and magazines. We enjoy watching them and/or talking to them in social situations or even rubber-necking in the car to see them for a bit longer than expected. Especially if you’re jogging down the street.
You might say, “Hey, John. What about world conquest? Positions of power? More money? Where are these on your list?” They are off the list, because all of those things fall under “Women.” Why do we wear suits and have fancy cars? Why do we take over other countries or climb the company ladder? To impress women. If it weren’t for women, our civilization would be much different. (We’d all reproduce through mitosis for starters) No one would have any money, you killed what you wanted to eat, and everyone would be issued a TV, a comfortable easy chair, a deck of cards and a sports car at birth. We would have cars, but they would all be sports cars. Never a mini-van. We may have houses, but would probably be fine sleeping outside. No one would wear a suit or go to the office. We would wear sweats and watch TV all day. In the evening we would play cards and drink beer. Cell phones would not be necessary, because guys don’t talk on the phone. If we HAVE to today, the conversation is usually under a minute. We don’t do that to save cell minutes, we do that because that is all we need to say. As a matter of fact, the language we spoke would be a lot less. We wouldn’t have so many damn colors. If it isn’t a primary color, we don’t see it and all words for emotions would have never been invented. Full sentences, grammar and proper spelling would go out the window. There probably wouldn’t even be much need for a written language either. So, next time you are trying to figure out the complexities of a man, know that there aren’t any. All your answers will come to you if you observe him on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Composed 07/19/06

Hard Cell

One thing I never understood is why The Bush Administration is so quiet. With all that is going on in the world during President Bush’s terms, we don’t hear much from The White House. It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized why. What is reported is only what the media wants reported. This was evident in Tony Snow’s address to the people.
With all that was going on in the Middle East, it was imperative that The White House share with the American people their stance and what they intended to do about everything. So, yesterday Snow laid everything out for the cameras. I missed the beginning of his speech and tuned in at the very end. It was at this time that he was discussing the President’s only veto during his terms. It was a veto for stem cell research.
Snow described the reasoning for President Bush’s veto very effectively and this was broadcast on Fox News. However, when I switched to MSNBC, CNN and Headline News during his speech, all other networks had gone on to other stories. One about a dog in Tennessee or something. Why would they do this? Is not the rational behind Bush’s veto important? Of course it is, but why not explain it in generalizations instead of giving the true meaning. Then the Liberal Media can paint whatever picture of Bush that they wish the American people to see.
The truth behind what President Bush’s veto will probably never be heard on ABC, CBS or the basic cable news networks besides Fox. When stem cell research first came out, I was confused as to why there was such concern with it. I had to really dig to find out that there are different types of stem cell research. They can be broken down into two different categories: Adult Stem Cells and Embryonic Stem Cells. Adult stem cells can be obtained through pretty non-evasive measures. They can be gathered through a swab of the nose or mouth. They can be found in bone marrow and are EXTREAMLY prevalent in the placenta. If we used the placenta for research instead of selling it to the cosmetic industry, we would have an abundance of stem cells to research and thus, find more and more cures or treatments for today’s ailments. Embryonic stem cell research comes from the harvesting of already conceived embryos. The embryos are collected and killed in order to obtain the stem cells.
Other than the way the stem cells are collected, is there a difference between the two? Defiantly. Major break through have occurred in the medical community due to adult stem cell research. Over 70 cures or treatments have come from this research. Once paralyzed people in Italy are now able to walk because of this and most recently, insulin creating cells have been cultivated due to this research. On the other side of the coin, not one cure or even treatment has occurred from Embryonic Stem Cell research. Not one. Despite the fact that approximately 80% of funding of stem cell research goes to destructive embryonic stem cell research.
What most people do not realize, is should a cure or even a treatment come from embryonic stem cell research, the logistics of the situation would be a nightmare. The amount of embryos that would need to be killed to keep up a treatment or cure for even one person would be astronomical and on the verge of impossible.
So, why push for something that is 99.9% impossible and has created 0 results? Because it furthers the agenda. The pro-abortionists will see this as another feather in their cap and use this to the best of their ability to increase their stance. If a woman doesn’t want her baby, at least we can do experiments on it.
So, it should be apparent why Bush signed this veto. Had it been for increasing federal funding of adult stem cell research, he would have been all about it. Instead it increased embryonic stem cell research as well, thus it is something that would go against any Christian’s morals. Heck, it would go against any rational human being’s morals. It is because of the apparent separation of the two types that I’m surprised that Nancy and Michael Regan are so upset with this move. Surely they must know the differences between the two. By now they have seen the advancements that have been made with adult stem cells and the lack of results from embryonic. However, they still continue their campaign for the late, great President Regan who would have been completely against this in his presidency. Regan would have vetoed this as quickly as Bush did. But, due to the liberal media, you hear about a dog in the mid-west instead of the real reason behind Bush’s signature.
Composed 07/20/06

I'm Back

Sorry for the disruption in your service, but I'm back and I'm ready to keep you up to date on the fascinating world that is me. Or, at least let you know what I'm up to.
I'm back in Chicagoland. Came in on Wed thanks to the help of three of my friends, Tim, Sara(h) and Andy. After two days in my new surroundings, it is starting to become familiar. I am nearly completely unpacked and turning my focus to finding a new source of income. I figure I will be a waiter or something until a better job comes along. I'm at a weird holding pattern in my life. One where I have to be careful not to remain stagnant. It can be very easy to do.
I have also started reading from a book called "speechless" by Steven Curtis Chapman. He is a Christian music artist. I have had the book for years and have read it once already. He said that he nearly called the book "Hurricane of Grace." He said his reasoning behind that title was that he liked to visit Florida a lot. He got familiar with the surroundings and saw many old buildings vanish one year with a hurricane only to return the next year as something new. He goes on to say that sometimes the grace of God has to knock down everything to build something better on the same foundation.
I'm assuming that's what God is doing with my life. For some reason He has taken down the world that I knew in order to build a new one. What His plans are for the next few years, months or heck, even weeks - I don't know. It is a healthy combination of exciting and scary. But, with faith and hard work, surely something great will come of it.

A portion of:
The River
by Garth Brooks

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Right now, I must get my resumes good to go. (One for radio, one for the real world) Then it's time to hit the pavement with everything set on Monday. Meanwhile I will also have to get my demo cd's ready for the Chicagoland radio stations. It is really like an assembly line with those. I have my raw audio, CD burner, then CD labels, then cover letter, resume and finally letters of recommendation. Then they all go into a bubble wrapped envelope and it's off to the post office. But, that will take a back burner to me getting something temporary to pay the bills that have mounted.
I have several pre-written blog entries for you. I will post them between now and Monday. They range in topics from Bob Barker to Stem cell research to The true essence of Man. Intriguing? I thought so.
Tell your friends... I'm back!

Post 150: Home(s)

For a long while I have lived in two locations. You have seen my allegiance to both represented on this blog. I have lived in Chicago and Effingham for nearly 2 and a half years of my life. Having grown up in Chicago for majority of my life and the fact that my friends and family reside there, Chicago will always be my home. However, my permanent residence is Effingham. I furthered my career there. I met some awesome people there.
But, as of right now, I don't have a place to call "home." And, yet I have two. For the past week I have been living in Chicagoland and started getting things in order for my eventual move back North. However, when I would refer to Effingham, I would call it home. When in Effingham, I would tell people that I’m moving back home. I soon began to question what the true meaning of the word is. Surely it isn’t just an address. Instead it is a place where you feel welcome. Somewhere comfortable. You have social connections there. Emotional ties run deep at home. The best attributes of humanity are found in a simple four-letter word – home. And I’m lucky enough to have two.
However, due to falsities, I am loosing one of my homes. I am going to be severing ties with some very important people in my life. While I have only known some of them a short while, the social community that I had been a part of in Effingham has meant a lot to me. It always has. A “city” boy from the north coming down to the “country,” surely I wouldn’t be accepted. And while most were leery (and still are) about the term “Chicagoian,” soon you realized that I was just like you. To be invited into your community, friends and families has meant the world to me. I sincerely hope that what we have created together will live on past the distance that will soon be created. Please don’t forget me when I’m gone.
So, as a celebration of our time together, I will be hosting one last bbq for everyone who has played a positive role in my life from the Effingham area. While the date is not set yet, it will be a Saturday and you will soon know when it is.You mean more to me than you will ever know. I am looking forward to one last time.


“Save Tonight”
By: Eagle Eye Cherry

Go on and close the curtains
Cause all we need is candlelight
You and me and a bottle of wine
Going to hold you tonight

Well we know Im going away
And how I wish...wish it werent so
So take this wine and drink with me
Lets delay our misery

Chorus:
Save tonight
And fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
Tomorrow Ill be gone

Theres a log on the fire
And it burns like me for you
Tomorrow comes with one desire
To take me away...its true

It aint easy to say goodbye
Darling please dont start to cry
cause girl you know
Ive got to go
Lord I wish it wasnt so

Save tonight
And fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
Tomorrow Ill be gone

Tomorrow comes to take me away
I wish that i....that I could stay
Girl you know Ive got to go
Lord I wish it wasnt so

Save tonight
And fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
Tomorrow Ill be gone


One last note: I will be taking an internet break for a while. This will give you the chance to catch up with the posts you may have missed, and give me the chance to catch up with some very important people I’m being forced to say good-bye to. Thank you for your understanding and your friendship.

About Last Nite...

Almost 10 years ago I met Laura Miller and a great deal of my friends at my first ever Happening weekend. (I think it was July 14th. For the actual dates of this weekend or any weekend, see The Happening's official records keeper - Laura) The Happening was a Christian retreat group for the youth groups in the area. Very fun and rewarding stuff.
Laura and I enjoyed it so much, that we continued to be involved with it for nearly 10 years. We got the opportunity to meet up with some really great friends. One of the people we got to know was Jason Levy. He also went on his first happening weekend with us. Little did we know that he had a good friend named Bill.
Soon Jason introduced the two and they began dating. They dated for about 92.8 years before getting married last night. (Well, maybe it just seems like that) The reception was at Argonne National Labs (Laura works there as an organic chemist) as well as where we got to stay. The picture on the right is an aerial view of the laboratories. To learn more about this interesting place, go to your local library or click on the picture. (Actually, you want to find out what that big circle is!) Anyway, we got a sweet room with four separate bedrooms and a living room, dining room and a kitchen on the premises. If you are ever staying in Chicagoland, see if you can have Laura hook you up!
They had a band. The food was good. And the drinks were had. From what I can tell, it was a good time had by all. Oh, and I kissed a girl.
So, congrats once again to Bill and Laura!

I'm Rick James

So I developed a new game. I go to Google's image search and type in words that usually don't go together to see if I can stump it. Start with combinations of two and move on. For example, I entered "hot dog" and "car." Stuff came up that had a hot dog on a car and weird things like that. I also entered "Spiderman" and "Teeth." Out comes some Spiderman pillow for your lost teeth. When I did one for "game boy" and something else, Dave Chappelle came up. Not really sure why, but there is a website that I just got done reading that is hysterical.
It discusses the "true" reasons why Dave is no longer doing The Chappelle Show. Apparently all the prominent black leaders teamed up against him. Everyone from Oprah and Bill Cosby to Sharpton and Jessie Jackson were behind this.
When you get to the site, don't worry about the introduction, unless you want to. Go straight to "The Theory" on the top right. It's long, but hysterical. And I think that this guy believes all of this stuff. The more you read, the more you can't believe it. Like Oprah drugging Dave's wife and putting a .45 in Dave's chest.
Set aside your lunch break for this. It is well worth it. Click on the picture of a freaked out Dave to go to the site.

Man Laws

I really dig those Miller Lite Man Law commercials. They have Triple H, Jerome Bettis and Burt Freakin' Reynolds behind "The Square Table" and they determine the newest of Man Laws. This is the code of ethics by which all men behave. Such as when you bring beer to a party, once it makes contact with the ice in the host's cooler, it becomes the property of that host.There is a website that I have recently become addicted to known as www.manlaws.com There you are able to write your own man laws and debate the validity of others. Here are some of the ones that I found and came up with:

MEN ARE COMPOSED OF THREE THINGS (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER) BEER, WOMEN AND SPORTS. ALL OTHER ASPECTS OF LIFE ARE JUST OBSITCALS TO GET MORE OF THE KEY THREE.

NO WINE COOLERS

ALL INJURIES CAN BE HEALED BY “WALKING IT OFF” OR BY “RUBBING SOME DIRT ON IT.”
GRILLING, REGARLESS OF THE WEATHER, SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE FIRST CHOICE FOR COOKING.

WHEN SEEING A MOVIE WITH ANOTHER MAN, A REQUIRED “BUFFER SEAT” MUST BE OBSERVED. AND DON’T EVER CALL IT “GOING TO THE CINEMA.”

SHOULD SOMEONE DRINK FROM YOUR BEER, IT IS NOW THEIRS AND YOU MUST GET A NEW ONE.

A MAN SHOULD NEVER WEAR CHAMPIONSHIP CLOTHING WITHOUT PRIOR VERIFICATION OF TEAM ALEGANCE BEFORE SAID CHAMPIONSHIP

A MAN’S GARAGE IS FOR TOOLS, NOT FOR FAKE CHRISTMAS TREES

NO MAN SHOULD ABANDON THEIR TEAM, NO MATTER HOW BAD THEY ARE.

A MAN PURSE IS STILL A PURSE.

A MAN NEVER CROSSES HIS LEGS UNLESS THE ANKLE AND KNEE MAKE CONTACT OR BOTH ANKLES. NEVER SHOULD KNEES BE ABLE TO TOUCH.

YES, NO AND OK ARE PERFECTLY GOOD ANSWERS TO ANY QUESTION.

YOU MUST BE IN ATTENDANCE AT ONE SPORTING EVENT EACH YEAR. YOUR KID’S GAME DOES NOT COUNT. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO DRINK BEER THERE.

WHEN APPROACHING ANOTHER MAN WATCHING A SPORTING EVENT, IT IS OK TO ASK THEM THE SCORE, BUT NEVER WHO IS PLAYING.

YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY A BRAND OF CLOTHING WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE TAG ON THE BACK.

NEVER SHOULD YOU USE THE URINAL NEXT TO ANOTHER MAN. IF THERE ARE 5 OPEN URINALS IN THE BATHROOM, YOU GO TO NUMBER ONE, THEN THE NEXT PERSON GOES TO NUMBER FIVE. THEN NUMBER THREE. FROM THERE, THE STALLS. AND IF IN AN EMERGENCY, THE SINKS. URINALS 2 & 4 WILL NEVER BE USED. EVEN IF YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE IN THE BATHROOM, YOU DO NOT USE THESE. YOU NEVER KNOW HOW LONG YOU WILL BE IN THERE ALONE.

EYES FORWARD AT ALL TIMES IN THE BATHROOM.

SHOULD YOUR NEIGHBOR BE WORKING ON HIS CAR OR AN INTERESTING HOME FIX-IT PROJECT, YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO OFFER TO HELP AND STAY WITHIN 10 FEET OF THE PROJECT FOR A DECENT AMOUNT OF TIME.

THERE WILL BE NO CONVERSATION IN THE BATHROOM UNLESS IT IS SHORT, BRIEF AND ABSOLUTLY NECESSARY. SUCH AS DISCUSSING THE "GAME PLAN." HERE'S AN EXAMPLE:
"KAREN INTO ME?"
"YEAH. SHE JUST TOLD SUE. YOU'RE IN."
"COOL. THANKS."

NO CELL PHONES IN THE BATHROOM EVER. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A QUIET PLACE TO TALK, GO OUTSIDE.

Add some of your own. Leave a comment with 'em. Enjoy! It's my gift from me to you... well Miller Lite had a little something to do with it...

Independence Day

A very happy 4th of July to all 3.3 of my readers! Speaking of 3.3 of things (bad transition, I know) how would you like to see 3.3 million fireworks go off at the same time? As long as you swear you will remember the true meaning of this day, I will let you click on the picture of the greatest city in the world's (Chicago) fireworks display. I will let you know that they over did it on the wick. But, then again, with 3.3 million fireworks... I might do the same thing. Enjoy, friends and a very happy 4th of July.

Updates & A Promotion

Got rid of the "Tag Board" to the right. You may remember that you had the opportunity to leave a message on the right-hand side of my board. Well, I am almost positive that it was the cause of a whole string of pop-ups and no one really used it. I think only Billy D was the one real entry on that stupid thing. Not sure who the other folks were.
Oh, and the last post was the Gross Post. Officially #144. I guess I should have been paying closer attention and written about vomit or something.
I will be on the ball for Post #150. That should be released sometime this week. Stay tuned!

Once Was Lost... Now Is Found

It has taken me a while, but I found one of the funniest things that Web Junk 2.0 has ever talked about. It is the farting preacher. Someone has edited into this guy's pleas for money some of the most childish and obsene fart noises. Normally, I would try to go for more quality stuff for you, but this is so well done. And there are about 18 different versions of this guy! Click on his picture for the video(s) and enjoy your week.

Why do kids find farts funny?
Because they are!

Hu is President Of China?

How did I miss this? What was I doing where this slipped through the cracks. Surely Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert would have mentioned this. Maybe even "The Soup" or "Web Junk 2.0," but no.
On or around April 20th (I can't verify the actual date yet), President Hu spoke with President Bush. Among one of the many things that they talked about at a press confrence on the White House lawn, was - of course - The War In Iraq.
While the english translation of Hu is being played, this lady is shouting out her own protests. (Something China is known for) She also holds up a flag of a group that has been forbidden to protest in China.
The funniest thing to me is the reaction of President Bush. You'll note the hesitation of President Hu before continuing and W saying "You're fine. Go ahead." This woman also reminds me of Cartman. I wonder when she was being carted off if she gave 'em one big "You will respect my authority."
Finally, rumor has it that her first name is "When."
Why the hell do we not have a "Who's On First" written about this yet?! "Who's the president of China?"
"Yes."
"Who?"
"Hu."
"That's what I'm asking you! Oh well, when was he protested?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"Yup."
"Who?"
"Hu."
"The President of China!"
"Hu!"

Ah, classic. Will never get old.
Sorry I'm late on the update. Hope you enjoy. Click on the picture above for the footage.

Only A Portion

You are only getting a portion of my posts because blogger.com sucks. I have tried uploading several pictures for my most recent of posts (there are 4-5) that I put up yesterday. However, Blogger.com has only let me put up about half of the pictures that I wanted to. So, if a picture is worth 1000 words, you are missing out on about 18,000 words. Ironicly, I was allowed to post the picture to the left which is an example of one of their servers.

Damn blogger.com

3 = 6

So, I have recently enjoyed a ride on Amtrak. Wait, let me rephrase that. So, I have recently taken a ride on Amtrak. That’s more accurate. I went from Effingham to Chicago on Amtrak. What is normally a 3 hour trip became a 6 hour. Why? Because the train sucks.
It also doesn’t help that the fellow passengers are, for the most part, dumb asses who never shut up. First, about 10-20% of the train’s passengers are wearing sweats and have all of their worldly possessions in a manila envelope. These are the prisoners from Centrailia. Apparently when you get out, they give you an envelope and a one way ticket out of central Illinois. Which means that they are spending their first few hours of freedom with you. What a privilege, huh? Well, the train also serves beer and wine. You are also sharing their first drink in 5 to 10 and it is usually not a socially acceptable scene.
Then you have the regular passengers. Some of these people are college students. Some are families on vacations. But, most of them are idiots. I heard yesterday someone say one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a long while. I wrote it down so that I made sure I would get this right for you. Someone a few rows ahead of me said “I kinda like Amtrak. It’s like a lower version of the plane.”

Go ahead and stew on that one.

As soon as I heard that I could feel myself getting dumber. I had never felt that before yesterday. And I’m sure that most of you are feeling the same damn thing.
So, when I sit down, I am by myself. No nut job next to me. Thank God. But, knowing my luck, that won’t last long. Of course it didn’t. Billy Bubba Joe asked if he could sit next to me. What the heck do I care? It would be difficult for this train ride to get any worse. For some reason the air conditioning in our car wasn’t working well. So, EVERY person that walked through our car had to comment on the climate differences in between the cars. EVERY FREAKIN’ PERSON! “Wow, it’s much warmer in here.” Guess what, we get it. We have been to the other cars, we have felt the comfort of their air conditioning and wished we were there. However, we are not. We are here sweating our asses off. Thanks for rubbing it in. Go get your $12 glass of merlot (actual value $2.87) and leave us alone!
So Billy Bubba Joe leans over and asks “What you reading there? A book on chess?”
“Nope,” I said without taking my eyes off of my book. “Biodiesel. But close!”
“Huh. I’ve heard about that. What’s it say?”This book is 300 pages long and is not interesting to the average person. I’m not about to give Mr. Toothless the low down. “It’s about how to take our dependence off of foreign oil and grow it here.”
“Oh.” He then paused for a bit. He was probably wondering if he should say what he blurted out next. I’m assuming that his mouth made the decision before his brain could make up it’s mind. “I hope they don’t weigh my luggage.”
I hadn’t looked up from my book until this point, but he got me. For the first time, I was curious what some of the passengers on the train had to say AND encouraged a conversation. “Why?” As soon as I asked the question, I decided that I might have just made a big mistake. One day I could be testifying against him saying that I had “prior knowledge.” But, the cat was out of the bag.
“Because each one is about 130 pounds.”
Despite my fears from earlier, my brain’s curiosity pushed me further. With all the evidence mounting up against me asking a follow up question I asked “Why are they so heavy?”
“They are filled with my tools. My drills, hammers, hack saw. Stuff like that. I’m goin’ to my in-laws house to fix some things.” I thought to myself – they don’t have hammers in Homewood? Why the hell is he bringing all of this crap?! But, more importantly, WHY was he let on the train in the first place?!
But, I had my answers and went back to my book. He didn’t talk to me for a long while. He just put his hands on his knees, which were bent at a 90-degree angles and stared straight ahead. Very little blinking too. So, I start thinking “GREAT! I just angered someone who is off in the head AND within reach of a hacksaw. Wise move.”
So, this guy is a smoker, and the stop in Champaign is an extra 5 minutes so people can stretch their legs or smoke. As soon as Champaign came up, he jumped out of his chair and said, “I will be right back. Save my seat.” Which I agreed to immediately because I assumed that this guy has killed before, and will probably kill again. And I don’t think that Amtrak wants my blood on their beautifully upholstered seats.
So, during his absence, a beautiful blonde in her early to mid 20’s walks by, stops, turns around and points at the empty seat next to me and asks “Is that seat taken?” Did a ring check and her hand was clean and all other signs pointed to single. So, I was about to say “Nope” despite my love for my life. Heck, at least the last few minutes would have been enjoyable. She was so hot that it might have been worth it anyway. But, of course fate intervened again. “It’s taken” I told her as I watched the Beverly Hillbillies extra coming down the aisle.
The thing that sucked the most was she looked disappointed. She WANTED to sit next to me. Perhaps I had met my future wife, but had to give it up for fear of dying.
So, nothing else was said by the weirdo next to me. He remained in his rigid position all the way up to his stop. He then turned to me, held out his hand and said “Well, good meetin’ you” and then pulled his two extremely heavy suitcases down from the rack.
Well, at least I’m done dealing with weirdness on the train for that day, right? Of course not. Right as I was deciding to figure out what happened to my little blonde friend, Napoleon Dynamite sits next to me. Not the real Napoleon or the guy that played him, but the guy that Napoleon was probably based off of. I should have looked harder for Kip in hind-sight. But, this guy came complete with the fuzzy hair and glasses. Was expecting the boots, but instead sandals. Did have a fannie pack, though. Not sure if Napoleon had one or not, but I think I remember him putting Chap Stick in it. The icing on the cake was he had some foul gas.
Thanks Amtrak! Oh, and it is also a wise idea to have the train arrive at union Station at 9:30ish. The train right before that one is the 8:30. The next train is at 10:30. So, if ANYONE is getting a connecting train, Amtrak has decided that it will schedule it’s arrival at one of the most inconvenient times. I wonder if there is ANY other time during the day where Metra’s schedule has a 2 hour gap. (Metra is Chicago’s commuter train company) The only thing that Amtrak should do to make this even MORE inconvenient is to have their train show up at 8:31. Damn. I just gave them another idea.
So, surely my bad experiences with trains is now over. Of course not. After waiting an hour in Union Station on a Saturday night, I get on a train filled with people who have attended the Cubs versus Sox. They saw the game at about noon. It was so long ago that this game took place, I finished watching it in Effingham. So, what do most baseball fans do after a big win or a big loss? I’m guessing it isn’t taking in The Field Museum.
These slobs were bombed out of their gourd. So, they fit in with every other responsible commuter/drinker who filled the halls of Union Station. They had reason to battle because both team had played that day and the beer that they had enjoyed for the past 6 hours was really fueling their fights. What was added to the mix was a St. Louis Cardinals fan who wouldn’t shut up about how great Pujols was which angered all of the rest of them.
I was really hoping that a fist fight would break out. At least that would be interesting. Instead, they just got louder and more annoying.But, I’m back home. I’m enjoying myself so far. And, as you have probably guessed, I’m looking forward to doing it all over again to get back down to Effingham.

Private Parts Part 2

So, I have decided to do what nearly every American has decided to do at one time or another. Some have succeeded. Some have started and fallen short. Others still hold only the dream. What category am I in? The last one... so far.
I have decided to write my story. Yup. I have that much ego that I have decided that other people would actually care what has happened to me. Iplan on writing it in sitcom form. Yes, sitcom form. This way it will be easier for the masses to digest. However, the element that scares me is that saying “truth is stranger than fiction.” Trust me, strange things are afoot at the Circle K. (10 points if you can tell me what movie that is from!) The question becomes, how truthful will I be? I already can think of several elements that I will leave out. Then becomes the moral question of am I being extremely truthful? Can one be through omission? I don’t think so. But,then again, I will be submitting this to Hollywood, so who is exactly truthful?!
The story will be like WKRP and Fraiser in the sense that it will revolve around a radio station. However, it will be MORE true to life than that. Those characters always had the opportunity to finish their conversations with a quick joke before they had to go on air. Never did you see Fraiser run from across the hall after a much needed bathroom break to make sure that the next song played without any dead air. That was one of the biggest problems that I had with those shows. Not true to life. Elements like that will be in the show. Not a day goes by where I am not talking to my boss, co-worker or going to the bathroom when I hear the ending ofa song and know that I have 8 seconds to get back in the studio before the last chord is struck on the guitar.
As a listener, no one knows that I just ran the 40 yard dash in 1.2 seconds to let you know that you just listened to GeorgeStrait’s “I Cross My Heart.” As if you haven’t heard that song so many times that you can recite it by heart, know the artist, the recording company, what track it is on the CD, when the CD came out and George’s exact age to the day when it came out. However, for that one listener that has NEVER heard it before because they are too young, living under a rock or just converted from Amish, I must run like Jessie Owens back to the radio studio to inform their young impersonal mind.
That’s another thing you don’t see on radio TV shows - the constant battle with what to say and how to say it. I can’t say what I would normally say to the average person on the street or in a bar or even in the parking lot of my local church. I have to be so squeaky clean you’d think that I was a cast member of “The Wiggles.” (Which by the way is one of the reasons why our children’s test scores are so low. The primary reason - “The Teletubbies.” What ever happened to Mr. Rogers and Seseme Street? Those were the best PBS shows ever invented. Long live Mr. Rogers. What a great man. But, I digress)
Then you also have the inner-office stuff that goes on that is NEVER discussed on the air, let alone in a sitcom. Everything from the initial phone call from the Program Director (He’s the guy [or she’s the girl, to be PC] who plays boss to the DJ’s. AKA: The PD) to every single ticket give-a-way or promotion that the station does is dripping with politisizm. (I'm pretty sure I just made up a word there. I think... In any way, I like that one!) Who would buy this? Who can sell this? How can we make money on Mark Wills comingto town? Who has connections with him? Who’s his record label? How can we milk every cent out of this appearance from Mark Wills and how can we make our station look better than everyone else in the area?
Then you have the positioning of the station within the market. You need to ask yourself who you are trying toconnect with. Then you need to make sure that you connect with that person 24/7/365. Every song that you play, every liner that plays between the songs, every commercial and even every Christmas song that you play in Decembermust relate directly to that person. What most people don’t realize is that most stations have their “Primary Listener.” They come up with a fake person. They describe their attributes and make sure that they cator to them. Sick, right? Very. They will sit downin a meeting and say that “The biggest spender in our market is the 33 year old female.” (How they come up withthis - I don’t know, but we take it for the bible truth when they say so. Their lack of evidence is countered by ourlack of evidence to prove them wrong.) So, what is the average 33 year old female like? Well, she has lived in her house for a while and thinking of remodeling. She goes to the store every 1.8 weeks and has 2.3 kids. She is married and her husband makes roughly, roughly $78,645 after taxes. They have had their mini-van for almost 3 years and are looking to upgrade to the newest version with the stow-and-go seats. Her name is Lisa and she likes agood blend of the newer songs (78%) and the older stuff from before her time (13%) and the stuff that she grew up with in high schoolmixed in (8%). The rest is up to requests.
This is true. Ask anyone in the radio industry - they have a target listener. You’ll hear the target listener on the request shows. Even though they get 26,000 calls from those 18 and younger, for some reason when you listen, majority of the calls come from 33 year old females. And the rest of the calls are from people that requested what the station feels the average 33 year old female would want to listen to in the first place. Oops. I think I just said too much.
However, this will all be in the show. I haven’t decided yet where the show should start. Should I begin with my first ever radio experience 14 years ago? Should I begin with college? Should I begin with my first ever radio job? Should the first episode be about my call from the PD about my job here? But, due to a recent kick to the pills, I have a rough idea as to when it is going to end.
But, I do realize that I work in a strange industry. Not a normal one by any means. So, I’m assuming that the average viewer would like to take a peek into what they might take for granted each day - their radio. At least I hope so... I need to find out how I’m going to pay for food next month. (Not all of us are Fraiser and can afford that great apartment with a view. My view looks out on a doctor’s parking lot!)

Fish

So, many of you may have heard of my friend Bobbie. Perhaps you had the opportunity to meet her. She is, to saythe least, a very unique individual. She is one of those people who constantly live in a soap opera. Never is her life without drama. This creates excitement and interest in what she experiences. I think she is one of those people that seeks out those who will create a certian element of uncertianty or confrentation in life in order to makethings interesting. We all know someone like this. Bobbie is mine. And I am thankful for the opportunity to have her in my life. She is a great friend and we can talk about anything. She is super swell.
From day one, she has been talking about futhering her schooling in Carbondale, IL. This has been at least 3 years inthe making. As of this weekend... or maybe next weekend (It’s Bobbie... you never know) she will finally be movingdown to Carbondale to finish off her dream of becoming a record exec. Or at least having the qualifications to do so. Bobbie is one of those people who live in a petting zoo. She had 2 cats, a dog and who knows what else inaquariums. I seem to remember her talking about shrimp, turtles and fish. Needless to say, in her move, she didn’thave room for everybody, so she gave me an aquarium. In all my years on my own, I have never had the opporutnity to have a pet. I have ALWAYS wanted a dog, but each appartment that I’ve been at, they have not permitted pets. However, fish are always welcome. They don’t mess upthe carpet and are quiet.
So, I filled the tank and went with her to the pet aisle(s) of Wal-Mart to pick out some fish. I ended up coming home with 9 fish. Yup. 9 fish in a 10 gallon tank. Nearly one for each gallon. Perhaps that is why eight of the nine have died. Yup. In nearly 3 weeks, 8 out of the 9 are gone. I don’t know what I did. The first one committed suicide by jumping outof the tank the first night. I call him Kurt. (Think about it... Think about it... Got it? Ok, we will continue.)
The rest started dropping like flies. I have no idea, but each day it seemed that there were less and less fish in mytank. I started naming them Tu-Pac and Notorious B.I.G. as they were picked off by the other fish... or so I assumed. I wonder if the water was bad for them or something. Who knows. The autopsys were inconclusive.
Then there were two left. One with two black spots on his white body. (His name was “spots.” Give me a break, I’m creative for roughly 9 hours a day, I can’t be at all times!) The other was a sucker fish that ate the algee off of my tank and other things. Essentially this fish was a bottom feeder. Based on this, I named it “Chris,” because I have yet to meet a Chris that hasn’t sucked the life out of me.
Well, Chris died a few weekends ago and we are left with “Spots.” I think he’s assuming that he has won some sort of Survivor challenge. Instead he has just won a new collection of friends, because I have plans to head back to the store after I move. So, to all the expectant or recent parents, beware. I have a tendancy to kill off those whom I’m taking care of!

An Explanation

It has been over a month since I last wrote and I’m here to explain what has been going on.
Many of you assumed that I was tossed in jail for beating the hell out of some anti-Americans. I appreciate the e-mails, concern and commitment to the same cause. No, I didn’t go to jail. And you may note that the original post has been deleted. The reason I did that is to respect the memory of whom it was written about.
Instead I have been in a constant run. There was so much that needed to be done for the station. Anyone that happened to call me at one of the few moments of free time knew just how busy I was. There were so many events going on and I was orchestrating each of them. Delegation was difficult due to the shortened schedules of the part timers and interns. When you are the only full time employee with some of your co-workers only working about 3 hours a week, there isn’t much that you can have them handle.Then my schedule opened up dramatically last Tuesday when I was asked to leave the station. Yup. Somehow I got fired. I can’t go into the details in such a public form, but I can tell you that it sucks. So the past few days have been a string of naps, peanut butter and jelly sand witches and beer. It actually has been a nice forced vacation.
And already progress has been made in several arenas. I’m planning on moving in with my friend Rick. I am in talks with several potential new jobs (which has shocked the hell out of me) and should be completely out of Effingham by the end of the month. I’m going to miss a lot of the friends that I have made down there. Those who I met the first time and those that I just met recently.
So, that is the re-cap in a nutshell. Obviously a lot more stuff went on, but I think it is always best to look forward and progress instead of dwelling on the past. So, onward in this adventure, friends. Wow, that sounded cheezy.