The Complexities Of Man

What I may never understand is a woman who says “I just don’t understand men.” I hear this all the time from female friends and even from movies and TV. Women are constantly trying to “figure us out.” So, to put this issue to rest once and for all, I’m going to spill the beans. Want to understand men? I’m laying all the cards out on the table.
Men all have a main objective. We all have one primary thought or goal. While it varies due to age, here are the primary goals of all of men:

0-10 - Candy
10-13 - Ninjas
13 - Death - Women

Now, this isn’t to say that we don’t have other goals in life, but these are our primary goals. Most adult men are constantly on a quest for these top ten things:

1) Women
2) Food
3) Beer
4) Women
5) TV
6) Sleep
7) Women
8) Sports
9) Stuff blowing up. (Action movies would also fall under this category)
10) Women

Seeing something interesting there? We are very simple creatures. Our basic needs are not far off from the average dog. Give us some food, entertainment and females. With these things, we are pretty much set. Now, all men want women. We want to be around them and hopefully date them. We like it when they are on our TV and in our movies and magazines. We enjoy watching them and/or talking to them in social situations or even rubber-necking in the car to see them for a bit longer than expected. Especially if you’re jogging down the street.
You might say, “Hey, John. What about world conquest? Positions of power? More money? Where are these on your list?” They are off the list, because all of those things fall under “Women.” Why do we wear suits and have fancy cars? Why do we take over other countries or climb the company ladder? To impress women. If it weren’t for women, our civilization would be much different. (We’d all reproduce through mitosis for starters) No one would have any money, you killed what you wanted to eat, and everyone would be issued a TV, a comfortable easy chair, a deck of cards and a sports car at birth. We would have cars, but they would all be sports cars. Never a mini-van. We may have houses, but would probably be fine sleeping outside. No one would wear a suit or go to the office. We would wear sweats and watch TV all day. In the evening we would play cards and drink beer. Cell phones would not be necessary, because guys don’t talk on the phone. If we HAVE to today, the conversation is usually under a minute. We don’t do that to save cell minutes, we do that because that is all we need to say. As a matter of fact, the language we spoke would be a lot less. We wouldn’t have so many damn colors. If it isn’t a primary color, we don’t see it and all words for emotions would have never been invented. Full sentences, grammar and proper spelling would go out the window. There probably wouldn’t even be much need for a written language either. So, next time you are trying to figure out the complexities of a man, know that there aren’t any. All your answers will come to you if you observe him on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Composed 07/19/06