John Mc

This is a collection of my thoughts. Some of the thoughts that I once had, I no longer do. Some thoughts I have now I have never had. Yet none shal be discounted. This blog is soley for the enjoyment of the author and the readers. On occasion the views expressed are overly exagerated in order to prove a point. Also there may be a dirty word or thought in some of the posts. Grow up and take this for what it's worth - a blog that barely anyone will ever see.


My Own TextsFromLastNight

One of my new obsessions is a site that I have discussed before known as If you haven't checked it out by now, I sincerely suggest you do so.
While you are there, you will notice that there is a way to submit your own on the right. I have attempted to do this with several of the texts that I have sent to or received from friends. Instead, they have gone unnoticed (except for one) from the screeners of the site. So, after coping with my rejection, I decided to post them here. No names have been used to protect the far-from-innocent.

B) There's an ap for that

A) You are in Detroit in a Hawks Jersey as the Wings are about to lose? You're insane. You are going to be killed!
B) Redwings fans are p_ _sies so I'll be fine.
A) I just read that Detroit has guns now.
B) S_ _ T GUNS?!?!?!?! F_ _ kin Obama
(Time passes and the game ends)
A) PIT WINS! PIT WINS! Now is the time for you to RUN!
B) Noit yeyt
B) Everyone is going home oh no dontr fo yerty thye party is judty started
A) You are going to die.
B) I just askrd this goirl if I could see her red wing.
A) And...?
B) still waiting!
A) Tell her you know The John Mc. and that he has even been to your house.
(Time passes)
A) Did it work?
B) She has a tongue ring!
A) Keep me updated.
(More time passes.)
A) Well?
B) Hammered and alone in hotel room

From my co-worker in the bathroom at the restaurant: A) Take 30's order, im puking lol
(30 is a reference to table 30 in the restaurant. My favorite part of that one is the "lol" at the end of it. He claims that it was genuine. This despite the fact that he didn't get out of the bathroom for roughly 2-3 hours after that text and I had to cover his entire section.)

A) iat fridays now drinking since 5 I'm such a lush.
(This was sent at 7:21 that day. She had been drinking since 2, not 5. She drank until 2 AM that night. She got kicked out of the restaurant that we all work at right after she struck up a conversation with our boss as if she had no idea who the boss was. It was a bad scene.)

For this next one, you need to know that was have $4 drink specials on Sundays as a part of a "Stimulus Package" at work. We make fun of them often.

A) Stimulify dat echonamy, biznitch!
B) Lmfao. Thats our new motto
A) The video is now up online.
(That's the video you see above.)
B) From last night?
A) No. The one from your screen test during your interview at _______ (The name of the restaurant where we work)
B) Oh thank god. My screen test i cried and i think i peed a little lol
A) It happens to the best of us. Just not me.
B) Lol it will
A) Are you now able to tell the future like Paul Mooney?!
B) Negrodamus
A) I was going to let you say it because I can't. You know, being white and all.
B) I know.

A) _______ has found a girl who just told him that she has a stripper pole in her bedroom. He is making good progress, but could still use your prayers.
B) Done.
A) _______ appreciates your support.

A) How's the new job?
B) I hate floor plan,you check out w an atm machine,its disgusting,no one will pick up a shift unless u pay them,we got a drag queen and another server stabbed a guy on the greenline.
A) Sounds lovely.

A) What was her dad doing on CBS Morning news with her? Did you see that?
B) I think her dad is border line retarded

A) You never know when Ghosts will be following you around. Constantly take pictures and look for those orbs.
B) Omg I f'ing hate u

A) Trivia tonight?
B) Fo Sho
A) Ok. We'll be there.
B) Thanks for the warning.
A) Maybe we won't be going, then!
B) Sounds like someone needs to switch out their tampon.
A) You're an ass.
B) Sounds like someone can't take a joke.
A) Not funny. jus wait till later haha
B) Because you can't think of anything to say now?
A) Haha ya

A) I?m in sioux city. CALL ME my phone will not be in service much longer.

A) Get out here. You are a lazy-ass bastard!
B) No just one hungover bastard. I fell in a bush last night and was blackout hammered at the wedding reception.
A) You went to a wedding reception after your adventure in Detroit?
B) Yeah open bar with my buddy Mr. Beam. In addition to letting every Wing fan that it was awesomethey lost. Oh and flirted with a few.
B) But told her I don't bang ugly girls.

A) Dude hammered thinking of old females...... then wanna break shit mode. Luckily no civilians around to die.

A) You commin' out to $1 drink night?
B) As tempting as that is I will have to decline. I've been neglecting the couch. By the way I might be high but I think the girls in front of me art talking 3 way

A) This is perfect fishing weather.
B) Big time
A) We should go sometime.
B) Right now?
A) No. Soon.
B) Soon.

There ya have it. Those are some of the more recent gems. I may have done the one about the dad on TV before, but I liked it so much I posted it again. Before you ask, I didn't go to Detroit and yes, the last one was a continuation (if you will) of one from two nights prior.
If you have some good ones, post them as comments on here.

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Good-Bye, Old Friend

This is it.
I must say good-bye to an old friend.
I am selling my Chrysler LeBaron convertible.
This car has taken me to Effingham and back. (Every weekend for the better part of three years!) It has been featured in Effingham's Sesquicentennial Celebration (The town's 150th birthday). The convertible aspect as allowed me to show many ladies the stars over the years.
Yet, unfortunately I must now give the car away to a good home.
Here is the link to the Craig's List ad that I have put up. I wanted to let the loyal readers (both of you) of this blog to have the opportunity to own such an important piece of history.

Click here for all of the details.

I need to sell it fast and am asking for your help. If you or someone you know is looking for a car, please have them check it out. I am making appointments all the time!

Thanks! (And, yes. That's an actual photo of the car!)

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Serving Rant

I am not a fan of waiting tables. Not at all.
Why do I do it? I certainly don't do it for the money, the prestige or the birthday songs. I do it because I enjoy the people that I work with. (Even the ones dating an accused murderer, sometimes.)
At the restaurant, they encourage us to call each customer "guest." I'm guessing it is because some focus group somewhere found the term "guest" was warmer and more personable than "customer" and they thought that the restaurant would get more repeat business if we approached each customer with this mindset. I, however, won't be doing this today. Mainly because the a-holes that I will be disgusing in this rant would NEVER be welcome in my home.
In every job, there are things that tick me off. The main thing about waiting tables is tips. Now, I have lucked out. I have been working in the service industry for over three years (two separate restaurants) and have only been stiffed roughly 6-7 times. However, this doesn't include the awful tips that sometimes get left.
Let me explain to you why tips are so very important. Obviously, the more money you tip, the more money goes to the server. That is an equation that everyone can figure out. However, what most people don't understand is that the server is working for LESS THAN Minimum wage. That's right. LESS THAN! Most servers make roughly $4 an hour. Why is this legal? It is because the government assumes that the server is not an idiot and can make up the remainder of the minimum wage from the tables they help. Plus the government assumes that the kindness of strangers will pay your rent. It usually does. What also happens is that at the end of the night, we have to tip out 3% of our total sales. 1% goes to the bussers who clean the tables. 1% goes to the bartenders who make the drinks. (This is 1% of everything, not just liquor sales, which I think is B.S. because what the hell does the bartender have to do with the chicken fingers that I served?!) and the final 1% goes to the hosts. Why we tip them out is beyond me, they are mostly morons who are too dumb to be able to handle a mindless job like waiting tables. Most of the time they can't even count to get the seating plan correct. But, that is a whole different rant.
Let me show you how easy it is to figure out your tip. If you can multiply by two, you can figure this out. You take the total of your bill and ignore everything after the decimal. If your bill is $15, then you double that. You get $30. Thus, your tip should be $3. If your bill is $55, double that. Your tip should be.... $11. See how easy that is?
Yet there are some people that have issues with that. OR you have the idiots that carry that tip card around with them so that they can figure it out to the penny. Don't worry about change - EVER. All it does is accumulate on my dresser. (Unless you want to toss me some quarters. I'm cool with quarters because I have laundry to do.)
There are other people that leave $5. NO MATTER WHAT THEIR BILL IS - $5. On a $20 bill, $5 is appreciated. On a $50 bill, it is frowned upon. On a $100 bill - you are getting your licence plate written down and I will come find you at your job and get your cheep-ass fired so you have no income to go out to restaurants ever again. Enjoy your Ramon noodles, bitch.
Right now, in order to bring in more customers, my restaurant is offering "buy one entree, get one entree free" coupons. Really? You have to be kidding me. This does bring in more customers, but it hurts our tips greatly. Let me explain.
Let us say that you and your friend have each ordered $20 meals. Your bill (if we keep this simple and take out appetizers, drinks and tax) would be $40. With the coupon, you would only have $20 left. You should still tip me on the $40. Give me AT LEAST the $8 that is due to me. I did 100% of my job. Just because you paid 50% doesn't mean you should tip me 50%. PLUS I have to tip out on the whole amount. Remember that 3% I mentioned earlier? That is on th $40 not on the $20. So, my tip is even LOWER thanks to these dumbass coupons.

Being a server makes you a racist. It does. I won't go into it, but what I will say is that the racist thoughts are shared with all servers irregardless of the race of the server. Everyone knows it, yet they can't discuss it at work or they risk being fired.
It sucks, I know. I treat all my tables the same, because on occasion you will find someone who wishes to live above the stereotype. Unfortunately, they are few and far between.
Tables that ask if there are "free refills" you know are not going to tip you well. If right off the bat you are proving that you are a cheep-ass, then we know that you are going to give only 10% or less on your bill.
If you run my ass off, I know that I'm not going to get a good tip from you. Logic would say that the inverse is true. Not so. If I drop off the food and one of the people at the table asks for a side of ranch, I smile (like I care) and run to the back to pester the cooks for the side of ranch that you should have asked for when you originally placed your order. The cooks are running around making meals for the entire restaurant. Most people don't realize that this could take a moment for them to stop what they are doing so they can put a bit of ranch in a cup for the customer that lacks fore-sight.
Should I return to your table with your precious dollop of ranch and another member of your table also asks for a side they neglected to order, not only am I pissed now because I have to go all the way back to the kitchen, ask for everyone to stop what they are doing once again and then bring it back to the woman who shouldn't be asking for more dressing ANYWAY, but I know that I'm not going to get tipped on this table.
Why? My theory is this. They don't get it. They don't see us handing multiple tables at the same time. Refills for this table, ordering for this table, check drop off at this table, sides for this one. Constant running. These people who run you don't see that they are not the only ones in the restaurant. I did not drive a half hour to work just to wait on you. (And if I did, I would expect your tip to AT LEAST cover my gas consumption on this hour-long round-trip!) I came in to work today to make money from every table that I am asked to help.

One other group of people that aggravate the F___ out of me is the indecisive. If you haven't made up your mind - FINE! When I ask "Are we ready to go?" Don't say yes and then say "I haven't really decided what I want." What part of my question was confusing? It is one thing if you are between two items and are asking for my opinion. (What I like is when I recommend option A over B and they look at the menu, thank me then pick option B. What was that? That some stupid power trip mind screw that you just pulled? If you don't want to use my opinion, then why the hell did you ask me in the first place?!) I get it. If you are close, then fine. But when you say that you are ready and you are not, you are wasting my time. More importantly you are wasting the time of all the other tables that I'm supposed to be helping. Out of the corner of my eye I see the 8 year-old at the table next you polish off his 12th Dr. Pepper that I could be refilling. I see the old people in the other direction finish looking at the desert menu with their selection in mind. I see the table behind me getting sat with a family of 5 with a high chair. All the while YOU CAN'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Release me. Let me take care of the other tables and I will be back to you in 3 minutes or less. By then you should have been able to make it through the entire menu several times. (Well, if you got help with the big words like "cheeseburger.")
At this point, I usually say something like "I can come back to you in a moment or two when you are ready." I have learned to not wait for a response. Because the indecisive are sure about one thing at this moment - they will "be ready in just a second." NO. NO YOU WON'T! I have been down this road before. The old people are getting impatient and want their cheesecake. The family behind me are looking for their server and are about to complain to management that no one has helped me and that little brat is banging his empty cup on the table in search of more Dr. Pepper!
What is just as bad are the cell phone users or the mumblers. I put these people in the same category because they are both capable of communication, but are not willing to do so. If I come up to your table and you are on the cell phone, what I used to do is patiently wait until you tell whoever is on the other line to hold while you make your order. Now I look at your eyes and then walk away. You know that I was there to help you out, but you are on the phone. I then don't come back up until you are off the phone. At the very core of what you are doing, it is rude and I won't tolerate it.
I also don't understand the mothers that come in with their kids and the kids have to occupy themselves with the crayons and placentas while mom is on the phone. Going out to eat should be a bonding experience for families. You shouldn't be talking about who did who over the weekend in front of your 3 year old anyway, you poor excuse for a parent. Put down the damn phone and talk to your kid before he grows up to be a thief because you didn't talk to him enough. I also have had it with the mumblers. If you place your order and I can't hear you, what I used to do was lean in and say "I'm sorry, what was that?" and really work with you. Now I lean back and say "I can't hear you."
"Oh, yeah, I want a cheeseburger."
"That comes with lettuce, pickle, onion and tomato."
"Aw, nofremblkake."
"What was that? I couldn't catch that."
"No pickles."
(I then start messing with you.)
"So that's lettuce, onion and tomato."
"Uh, slfcowhcqie."
"You are going to have to speak up."
"Uh, yeah."
"Any soup or salad to start?"
"Um, slehiwergonewasdoifweoihoigh4htaohgoihweoithhtew."
"Was there a number 4 in there? I didn't get any of that. Please repeat it." (at this point, usually the others at the table are just as aggravated with the mumbler as I am.)
"Great. I'm going to get that started."

After serving for as long as I have, you begin to notice personality types. I can (usually) within 30 seconds of talking to a table tell you what kind of tippers they are. Now, this doesn't mean that they won't always tip. Let me explain. Some people are just nice people. They are easy to get along with and are out to a restaurant for a change of pace. They are out to enjoy themselves with their families. This is the ideal situation. Very little effort is necessary here. Joke around a bit with mom and dad, call the kids sir and ma'am and you have it in the bag.
Then you have the people who have had a stressful day and are not in the best of moods. This can go either way. This is what separates the good servers from the bad servers. You can either make their day worse or better. It is up to how things go and you pray that the kitchen or the idiots that run your food don't mess anything up. Because, should the slightest mistake occur, all your hard work goes down the drain. However, these tables bring the greatest reward if you can turn their day around.
Then you have the sadistic bastards that come in that are at a restaurant NOT to have a good time with their families, but (I believe) because there is a place where they can order someone around. Perhaps something happened to them in their childhood or they have a boss that really brow-beats them. Whatever it is, it isn't my fault. Don't think that you can take it out on me. If you dish it, I will smile my biggest sarcastic smile and ask "Is there anything else I can do for you?" You won't be able to rattle me. If you have come in to piss me off, I will turn the tables and have you feeling worse when you leave. These people will pay for their piss-poor attitudes once Jesus calls them over on judgement day.
"Why am I not going to heaven?" They will ask wondering what they did wrong.
Jesus will reply "You were a jerk-face to that server. That is what pushed you over the end. If it wasn't for that, you'd be in. You will now spend an eternity fetching ranch from a kitchen that is too far."
I see this as part sociology experiment. I am a good judge of character and have become better thanks to this job. For example, I have recently been wondering why is it that the bigger the customer the smaller the tip? I really don't get this. I have a theory on this expressed by the following video:

What I like is when our dumb-ass hosts try to seat these people in the booths. Look, when you are halved by the table, perhaps you should start walking more. Oh, and SIT AT A DAMN TABLE!!!
Now, with all this being said, a healthy majority of customers are great people. They come in to have a good time and a good experience and don't want to make things hard on the server or anyone else. They make the job worthwhile. It is unfortunate that there are several ignorant a-holes that ruin it for everyone else.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for work.

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The 2009 Waste Of An Award Show Awards

I decided that I would watch the 2009 MTV Movie Awards this year. I saw that Andy Samberg was hosting and have found him to be one of the funniest current members of SNL. So, surely this would be a good show.
I set the DVR to record it and caught the show a few days later when I had some free time.
The opening act reminded me of Billy Chrystal's Oscar openings where he would put himself in the movies that were nominated. Only this time, we didn't have to endure Billy Chrystal and his huge over-inflated ego. (Harry Met Sally YEARS ago! Get over it! You shouldn't have even been cast in that.)
Anyway, the show began by nominating the best supporting actress award. I'm not too sure who else was in this category, but the chick from Slumdog Millionaire should have taken this one home. Alas, she didn't. Who won instead?
Some dumbass from "High School Musical 3."
I was puzzled. How could this be?!
The next award went to best fight scene. One of the fight scenes up for consideration was the battle between Batman and The Joker. This should win HANDS-DOWN!
Two pansy-asses from "Twilight" won. If it weren't for CGI, these two would have probably just slapped each other around quite a bit!
I shut off the TV after that. I deleted the program and blocked MTV from my channel listings I was so pissed. MTV is owned by CBS, the same station that was responsible for broadcasting Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction. They got hit with some hefty fines from the FCC and last I checked still had to pay some of them after several lawsuits.
The FCC must have taken a night off otherwise the fines would have been greater had they seen the disgusting nature of this audio and visual assault on an unsuspecting American public. It bordered on terrorism.
That is until I recently talked to my manager at the restaurant, G. G told me that there was a special rendition of the best of Andy's digital shorts. I was intrigued and kind of wished that I had fast-forwarded the program to that instead of completely deleting it.
It was today that I found this clip and had to share it with you.
(However, when it comes to the rest of the program, it, MTV, CBS and all other affiliates can piss off.)

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Three Short Videos

As kind of a palate cleanser from all the usual garbage on the internet, I found these videos:

This is a twist on the "Dramatic Chipmunk" that we have all seen

I am still trying to figure out why I like this one so very much

This one is just weird for the sake of being weird


Judge Sotomayor

Sonia Sotomayor has been selected by Obama as a potential new addition to the United States Supreme court. Good choice? Well, she has experience in the field. She was a Princeton history student and politically active even back then. All seems good.
That is until you read her yearbook from back then. A nice quote from Norman Thomas was on there. He was quoted as saying "The American people will never knowingly adopt Socialism. But under the name of 'liberalism' they will adopt every fragment of the Socialist program, until one day America will be a Socialist nation, without knowing how it happened." He ran for president six times on the Socialist Party ticket. Being a history buff and politically active at the time she quoted him on her yearbook page, surely she knew of his Socialist leanings and it appears, she agrees with them. (Much like Obama)
Her experience is great too. In Connecticut, she threw out test results of an entrance exam for firefighters saying that it was racially biased because whites outscored minorities. A counter suit was filed. The article I found said: "The lead plaintiff in this case is dyslexic," said Shapiro, referring to Frank Ricci, a white firefighter who says he spent $1,000 on study aids for the exam.
Those study aides included someone to read the material to him so that he could memorize them despite his dyslexia. He also quit his job so he could study full time. He passed the test. Unfortunately, he was white.
Racist? Some may say that she was only being fair. Others point to her comments on race. In a 2001 speech she said: "I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male."
Don't let anyone call this "reverse-racism." It isn't a white thing. Sotomayor has proven this.
She has also gone on to say that she looks forward to changing a great deal of laws. Maybe it has changed since I went to school, but I was taught that the judicial branch was supposed to "interpret the laws" not make them. Perhaps Obama changed the constitution when we weren't looking.
Wise choice with this one, Obama. Wise choice.
Let's just hope that the right thing is done for America and that this woman is kept far away from our laws.

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Not All Are Celebrities - Get Them Out Of Here!

I just finished watching this week of "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" on NBC. I am so very aggravated and my frustration comes primarily from Spencer and Heidi Pratt. I have heard of "The Hills," and after watching these two losers, I'm so glad that I have been able to avoid it.
Their irreverent behavior is fine for two spoiled brats. I expected them to act this way. I could have told you before the show that these two would be complete a-holes. Spencer saying that he was a bigger celebrity than the rest of the people they were stranded with was laughable and expected from someone with an IQ that rivals that of Paris Hilton. Their cause is not helped at all by the fact that his hair-conscious wife is not any brighter than him.
What aggravated me is that they had to bring Jesus into the mix. Heidi bothers The Lord with every little thing. "Lord, help me get through the jungle to our site." "Jesus, be with us to protect us from bugs." "Lord Jesus, help me with my split ends from this jungle humidity."
Someone needs to gag that girl. While she would pray, Spencer would be occupying himself by showing the others what an ass he was.
The two left and came back so many times that I thought they even rivaled Drew Peterson's fiance.
The first thing that ticked me off was that they asked Patti Blagojevich what happened with her husband. She rattled off the same B.S. that Rod had been shoveling on the New York talk shows about how he wanted great things for Illinois and the special interest groups did not. They are just a bunch of jerkfaces. When in reality the biggest accomplishment that Blago ever did for our state was put his name on all of the highways!
It was then that brain-dead Heidi did something that really got me upset. She held hands with Patti and asked Spencer to join them. They then prayed that "the truth" would be found. Little did they know, the truth was found - on the recorded phone calls. What they should have prayed for was that Patti didn't drop an F-Bomb during their live sessions.
Did it end there? Nope. Spencer then asked Steven "I'm not an ordained minister, but I play on on reality shows" Baldwin to baptise him.

I'm all for Jesus to be in the mainstream. However, it is idiots like these two that give Him a bad name.

NBC just ran an article quoting an NBC executive that says:

NBC Exec: Spencer & Heidi Pratt 'Are Everything That's Wrong With America'

I couldn't agree more!

I just wonder if I want Spencer, Heidi and Patti to have to suffer more and stay and potentially win or if I want them gone. Even local radio jack-ass Mancow has weighed in on Patti and wants her off on his site. I only hope water boarding is the next food challenge.

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Yesterday I went to the store to get some milk. Each time I do this, I end up getting more than I went in for. However, yesterday marked a very important annual purchase - the Summer's BBQ Sauce supply.
This year, I'm trying my friend's recommendation - "Budweiser BBQ Sauce." (I got regular and Beechwood) I tried some at his place and was impressed, despite the fact that it was awful Budweiser. Perhaps it is actually good for something other than a headache the day after you drink it.
I am also trying a brand I have never tried before known as "Culinary Circle." They make an "All Natural Red Cream Ale Barbeque Sauce." I purchased this and brought it home and then realized that not only is my fridge stocked with beer, but so is my BBQ Sauce. I don't think I have a drinking problem, just a diversification problem.
I also picked up a marinade from "Culinary Circle." It is their Roasted Garlic Peppercorn Marinade and Cooking Sauce. I have high expectations for it.
Don't let me down, CC! So, when I have you over for BBQ this summer, you know what you are getting into. Now all I need is something better than a Foreman!

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Thome hits his 550th Home Run last night! I got to see it! (Not live, but on TV, but still!) Get the HR counter out! We are on our way to 600!
Here's a bit more on it:

Floyd was among those who grinded it out on Monday. He did not receive credit for a decision in seven innings, but he kept the White Sox in the game long enough for another hero to emerge.
That hero was 19-year veteran Jim Thome, who mashed a tie-breaking, three-run home run in the bottom of the eighth inning to push the White Sox ahead, 5-2.
The 389-foot homer to left-center field off A's reliever Santiago Casilla gave Thome nine on the season, 550 for his career and propelled the White Sox to their fourth straight victory.

To see the whole article and video, click here.
To keep up on White Sox Milestones, click here.

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