John Mc

This is a collection of my thoughts. Some of the thoughts that I once had, I no longer do. Some thoughts I have now I have never had. Yet none shal be discounted. This blog is soley for the enjoyment of the author and the readers. On occasion the views expressed are overly exagerated in order to prove a point. Also there may be a dirty word or thought in some of the posts. Grow up and take this for what it's worth - a blog that barely anyone will ever see.

9/05/2006

It's All Fun And Games Until The Movie Sucks

When I go to the movies, there is a game that I play with my friends when the previews are playing. I try not to miss the previews because I enjoy this game so much. Throughout the week I will have seen many promos for movies and will have somewhat made up my mind as to whether or not I want to see them. But, once the previews before the main feature play - it's game time. You must have a definitive desision of whether or not you are going to see that movie by the minute and a half series of clips provided.
After each preview, I turn to my friend and give a thumbs up, thumbs down or the VERY RARE "I need more information." If the film has Chris Katan or Jimmy Fallon in it - it always gets a "thumbs down." If there is any dispute among my friends over my rating the following response is popular: "What are you crazy?!" The adjective can be switched out with "nuts" or "high." If the film has Jet Lee in it or just has a series of car chases and/or explosions, ALSO a "thumbs down." Any objection to this is usually "You're dumb." Or perhaps "No way!" Or even "You're going to be the only jack-ass to drop $8 on that piece of crap and the rest of us will laugh at you while pointing as you leave the movie theater. You will then cry and beg God to give you the hour and 18 minutes back so you can spend it doing something productive like helping starving kids, reading the classics or watching info-mercials with Mandy Moore talking about pimples."
Now for a thumbs up, all I need to hear is "Ed Norton in-" and I'm sold. Ed Norton does NOT do bad movies. "American History X," awesome. "Fight Club," brilliant. I even liked "Death to Smoochy." You can argue with me on that one. I will listen to your argument and then disregard it. Should you begin an argument about the first two, I will walk away from you and you will be put in time-out for at least a half hour.
But, an obvious part of this equation is your friends. If your friends are not there, it becomes awkward turning to a random stranger and saying "Yeah, I'm going to see that one. It looks good." While hoping that they get your sarcasm and don't call security on you pretending that you are Ebert.
I have never gone to the movies alone. I never will. If you can't find AT LEAST one friend to go to a movie with you - don't go! It's that easy. We developed the DVD for those times where you can't find someone to go to the movies with you. That is why it is there. Hit up Family Video and pick up something that you missed last year because you couldn't find someone to go to the movies with you. If you start going to the movies by yourself, you might as well give up on life. Turn in your wardrobe for sweat pants and hooded sweat shirts. You are done. Any kind of social bounds that you experienced before you said the words "One for Mission Impossible Three," are now gone. You are now free of that which restains society. But, alone. VERY alone.
Wanna know why everyone was busy that night? BECAUSE IT WAS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THREE!!! Tom Cruise is a psycho. All those Scientologists are! He was jumping on couches! He's the annoying little gnat of Hollywood. And if MI:II sucked, what hope is there for part three? Not only does Scientology's biggest embarrassment need to be quarantined on a desert island for life, so does the jack-ass who green lighted that. MI:II is on my top ten list of worst movies of all time. Ready for my list? Too bad, here it is:

10. Mission Impossible: 2 with psycho
9. Stewart Smally Saves His Family (This was BEFORE I knew that Al Frankin was a traitor to our country. I should have guessed after he released this bomb on America.)
8. 3,000 Miles To Graceland with Kurt Russel
7. Evita with Madonna (Why sing when you can talk. It saves time.)
6. Deuce Biggalo: European Giggalo with Rob Schnider (The first one was great. What happened?!)
5. Taxi with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifia
4. Beer Fest with a bunch of losers
3. Corky Ramono with Chris Katan
2. The Night Listener with Robin Williams
1. Punch Drunk Love with Adam Sandler

Now, you may disagree with me on some of those. That is your God given right as Americans to do so. But, that doesn't mean that you are right. As a matter of fact, you would be wrong.

What made me think of all of this was seeing "Beerfest" with Rick last night. I felt like seeing a movie. I recommended "Talladega Nights." Rick wasn't into it. "Little Miss Sunshine" - he hadn't heard of it. "WTC" was just too dark for right now. So, we settled on "Beerfest."
Let me describe the hatred I had/have for this film. Pick out your favorite limb. Perhaps your right arm or left leg. Just select it. Imagine that if you saw this crapfest of a film that you would have to give the ticket taker that limb as well as your $8. (I always pay $7 with my student discount. I know that I barely look like the picture on there taken 6 years ago, but it still works. I am so good to be able to slip that one past the very tight security they have at the theaters. That 16 year old high school sophomore has NO idea what's goin' on! When you think about it, every 7th movie is essentially free. It is the Subway Sub Card for movie theaters. I'm such a genius.)
However, this movie was NOT worth $7. I am doubtful that I would ACCEPT $7 to see it. Let me tell you a bit about it. Don't worry, I won't spoil the OBVIOUS stupid ending for the 1/4 brained mouth-breathers out there that might actually want to see cinematic diarrhea.
So, an old German guy dies. Leave behind a doll to his grandsons. He also asks them to spread his ashes in Germany during Octoberfest. Little did they know that the guy who they would meet up with would take them to Beerfest which is a secret beer drinking competition held under the streets of Germany during Octoberfest. There teams from around the world drink beer fast and play quarters. (Who ever comes up with this stuff is GENIUS!!!)
They are ridiculed out of there and go back to the states where they assemble their own team with hopes of returning the next year and mopping the floor with the pompous Germans that kicked them out in the first place.
They get together their old college buddies. These well-developed characters include the token fat guy that can eat and drink a lot. His name, "Landfill." Some gay Indian guy who's name wasn't important enough to remember. The nerdy Jewish scientist. And finally... I think that's it. Plus the two brothers who had NO character traits what-so-ever. They were as well defined as contestants on "The Price Is Right" who never get called to "Come on down."
Also, the grandfather left Germany with the recipe for the best beer Germans have ever created. Where could he have kept that? I don't know. Read over the previous two paragraphs for the answer. It wasn't hard to figure out.
There is more. I just can't bring myself to talk about this waste of film any longer.
I've seen better acting in home movies. The plot was so thin that you could see how it ends before the previews were done. The writing was done by an 8 year old for a third grade assignment.
(If it were realalistic, the Irish would have beat the hell out of everone else anyway!)
The only things that I liked about this movie were that 1) there was beer. 2) they played AC/DC. 3) it ended.
So, avoid it at all cost... unless you don't value your right arm.

1 Comments:

  • At 12:07 PM, Blogger Mark said…

    You might consider your own movie radio program...perhaps get people to air their movie picks and likes/dislikes. Might prove hilarious!

     

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