Unwritten Rules Continued

The Unwritten Rules are coming in. Here are some of the new additions to the original 11. (They are like the Bill Of Rights.)
#12 and #13 are from Christa. They have been edited for punctuation, capitalization and content. To read them unedited, see the comment left on the post near the original 11 rules. You can learn more about Christa from her blog. Link is to the left.


12. Notification Of Lane Change And/Or Jerk-Face Behind The Wheel

People are so lazy that they cant just flick the stick to turn the ticker on!!!! I mean, being lazy enough not to pick up your clothes or do the dishes is one thing (acceptable on some days) but, REALLY how hard is it to move your hand for 3 seconds?!!? The simple notification of your intent is appreciated by all. This will prevent me from turning in front of you and/or me shooting at you on the express way when you realize all of a sudden, I want to be in the COMPLETELY OPPOSITE lane!



13. Always One Squeaky Wheel

Return your damn shopping cart after you've used it. Some people will push it to the grass and pick it up to put it on the grass, but cant walk 3 more inches to put it in the return! This common courtesy is for those who must retrieve these for the store. Think about what a pain in the ass this thank-less job is. Do we really need to make it that much more of a hassle for them? You wonder why you have scuff marks on your Lexus at about the height of the basket!


14. Being A Cheep-Ass

Some people forget that when eating in a restaurant situation, where one person is serving you the food, the proper thing to do at the end of the meal is to leave that person a tip. How much compensation is required for a tip depends upon the service given. If the service was satisfactory, a 15% tip is expected. If the server went out of their way to make sure that your experience was perfect, more is expected. At least 18-20%. Should less than this occur, you have waved your rights to personal physical protection and the server may now kick you in the face Chuck Norris-Style.
If you don't wish to tip or have your head over-heat while trying to figure out what 15% of $50.00 is, most McDonald's are now open 24 hours a day. Piss off there.


15. Gun Control

When riding with one or more other passengers in a car, yelling "shotgun" is a popular way to claim the front seat. Everyone over the age of 5 knows how coveted the front seat is. This, despite it being known as "the death seat" where all who sit in it have a greater chance of death in an accent. I guess Americans like to live on the edge, but this is not my point.
Instead, there are a few rules to "shotgun." The driver, obviously, does not have to be concerned with these rules. They have the damn keys. "Shotgun" must be called when the car is visible. When still within a location, such as a restaurant or home, "Shotgun" may not be recognized. There should be no physical barriers along your eyesight line of the vehicle.
The first potential passenger to call out "Shotgun" before all others will be the one to enjoy sitting in the front. The driver is the ultimate judge in this situation. Should he show unfair favor over one passenger, kicking of the driver's seat at stop lights and other junctures where the car is not in motion are acceptable repercussions. However, no permanent damage may be done to the seat.
"Shotgun" may be called by an individual twice in a row. There isn't a balance to the universe where your sister gets to ride "Shotgun" on the way home because you got to ride it on the way there. The world isn't fair. Might as well find that out early on with the claim to the death seat.


16. Tunage

The automobile offers a musical wonderland for it's passengers. With a variety of choices on the radio, satellite radio, CD, cassette, I-Pod and 8-track, the choices for music and talk are endless. However, the choice of the radio lies solely in the hands of the driver. It is them and them alone that will select the appropriate music and volume of the music. While requests may be offered of the passengers, the final decision of the audio issues within the car lies completely with the driver.
The reason for this is parallel to when you enter the driver's home. Their entertainment equipment, venue of entertainment and all other aspects of the guest's experience are determined by the host. In this case, the driver is hosting the passengers. It is up to the driver to provide the appropriate environment and weigh in the suggestions from all others in the vehicle, but is not required to accept all suggestions. Plus, the driver is the one who is accomplishing the most in the vehicle, thus should be cradled within the most pleasant environment they see fit.
The driver may give up their right to this awesome responsibility. This usually goes to the person who was lucky enough to get out "Shotgun" before all others. However, once the driver has made the decision that his previous forfeit of aural power was not a positive one, the driver may at any time re-gain control of the entertainment aspect of the automobile.
Finally, should the driver increase the volume of the audio, shut up. You have annoyed the driver with your conversation. You may have also accidentally called "music" by the improper name "tunage." No one in the history of man has ever found this funny, cute or even remotely amusing.


17. Tracking Nickels

There is no such thing as a MySpace Tracker. Stop telling me about it. Your bulletins are wasting my bandwidth. Also, Tom will not delete MySpace if I don't forward your message to all of my friends. Tom doesn't even own MySpace anymore. It is owned by News Corp (a.k.a. Fox). Finally, the cancer kid in Tree Rot, AK doesn't exist. He does not get a nickel for each time that I post your stupid bulletin. Even if he did, at the end of the day he would still be bald, have cancer and a shitload of nickels. If you want to do something positive for cancer, donate your lame-ass nickels to The American Cancer Society. Stop wasting my time.


18. Idiots Clicking

My inbox is flooded with tons of spam each day. Why? I've had my account for over ten years and everyone and their brother knows what my address is. An even better answer for the amount of spam that's in my inbox is that idiots click on it. Not me, idiots. A national campaign should be set up to prevent idiots from clicking on unsolicited messages that arrive in their inbox. Even if you are thinking about re-financing, look into it on your own, don't open the letter sent to you by the jack-ass in NJ who gets 8 cents each time someone clicks on his link. From then on he knows that you are a fool and will send you more crap. Soon, you may have already won an X-Box or you need to collect your K-Mart Gift Card or your penis may be way too small. (This condition only happens to those who respond to spam on the internet.)
If no one clicked on his crap, he wouldn't be making any money. If he makes no money, he can go back to his old job as an Assistant Manager at Taco Bell and take out his frustration on the Chalupas instead of on my valuable inbox space.


19. PCU

The age of PC should have been over by now. I'm done caring about whether or not I offend anyone. (This should be obvious to the regular readers already.) You are no longer a "Waste Management Engineer." You have gone back to "Garbage Man." Yes, "Man!" There is no such thing as a "Postal Carrier." I have a "Mail Man." Sometimes on his day off, there is a "Mail Woman." Why are we so concerned with gender? Is "Woman" that bad of a word?
What also goes out the window is saying someone's "young." Oh, she's now 84 years "young." Nope. She's 84 years OLD. Yes, "Old" doesn't sound as good as "young," but let's be honest, who you crappin'? We hear 84 and no matter what word you put after it, we think "old." Willard Scott is an idiot.


20. Knowing Is Half The Battle

Stupid people should not be aloud to discuss politics. If you haven't picked up a news paper in months, know who your governor is, and/or which political party has the symbol of a jack-ass, don't open your mouth when people begin discussing politics. You are not properly equipped to handle what is about to occur.
I recently had a very unintelligent person tell me that today's economy is awful due to George W. Bush. First off, the president has very little to do with the economy. Second, we are hitting new records nearly daily with an economy that has never been higher. Don't say anything that you can't back up with facts. Facts tend to help with discussing politics. When the only facts you have in your head revolve around which Hollywood starlet just went to rehab today and which one was released yesterday, go back to reading your "Entertainment Weekly" and practicing how to walk and chew gum at the same time.
Oh, same goes for religion. Pray you'll get a clue.

Got more? Let me know with a comment or e-mail.