People are D-U-M!

People are dumb. I have to deal with them on a daily basis. (You probably do to, but this blog is about me.) I have trouble keeping a straight face while dealing with them sometimes. These are three examples from this week alone.
Today I worked at the restaurant. I asked a guy if he would care for something to drink.
"Just a water." He replied.
"Ok. Bottle or tap?" I asked. I always hope for bottle on the off-chance that I can actually make some money on the deal. Majority of the people just say "tap." Not this guy.
"Huh? No. I'll just have a glass."
Gotcha.
Another lady on Tuesday ordered the Chicken Strip Dinner. It is when someone orders the chicken strips that I ask them if they would like a dipping sauce. Because 90% of the time... well, more like 9 out of 10 times, they say "Honey Mustard." Thus my response to her order was "Would you like honey mustard with that?"
She looked up from her menu and said "Yeah, but only on the side."
Glad she mentioned that. I was going to drown her entire plate in the crap had she not.
But, this one takes the cake. On the same day only an hour later a woman ordered the salmon. I came to check up on the table. Both ladies said that their meal was good. Upon a follow-up check when they appeared to be nearing the end of their meal I asked if they would care for desert. They both declined. But, the woman who ordered the salmon had a comment on her dish that she wished to share with me.
"I don't know who you need to tell, but I have to tell you about this salmon." She informed me.
"Was everything alright?" I asked as I looked at her plate to see if she was one of those people that complain only AFTER they finish everything. Instead she only ate about 85% of her meal. Still more than the maximum for me to give a crap about her opinion.
"You should know that it tasted a little 'fishy.'"
I looked back at her. I caught her eyes and searched for any degree of her messing with me. For surely she was joking. She didn't seem to be, so my mind raced as to what the hell she was talking about. This woman had no expression on her face. Not even anger or disgust, which you would expect from someone not happy with their meal. "Is this a bad thing?" I asked her.
She looked at me as if I had asked her what 2+2 was. "Yes." She said in an extremely condescending tone.
"Let me see what I can do about that." I said. This is my knee-jerk response to anyone bitching about something. It is rare that it happens, but when it does, you want to say something that shows that you will try to right the wrong without promising anything. That is exactly what this phrase does for me.
I went to the manager on duty. I have no problem going to any manager with any customer issue because I know that after the amount of my life that I have wasted there, I am pretty much safe from any criticism that a customer may toss my way.
"Hey, Jim?" (His name isn't Jim, but I changed it for his protection. He's alright.)
"Yeah, what's up?"
"There's a lady at table 10 that wasn't happy with her meal."
"(Expletive deleted) What's the issue?"
"She said that her salmon was a bit..." I could barely finish the sentence it was so ridiculous. "Her salmon was a bit on the fishy side." "What?"
"Yup."
"You have GOT to be kidding me. It's SALMON! It's FISH! What's it supposed to taste like? A (expletive deleted) burger?! I'll go talk to the (expletive deleted)!"
He straightened his tie and went around the corner to the front of the restaurant to ask the woman what was wrong. He even knelt by the table. (They must be trained in manager school that this is a good way to "get on the same level" with the customer. But, we all know this is when any manager is giving the customer a load of [expletive deleted] and we don't have anything to worry about.)
He came back to the computers where I was prepared to comp her meal. "Do we have to comp it?" I asked.
"No, she's fine." He responded and went back to his little office in the back of the restaurant.
I shrugged, printed their bill and thanked them for coming in. They tipped me very well. I then told every server of the weirdos that I had encountered and we had a laugh at their stupidity.