John Mc

This is a collection of my thoughts. Some of the thoughts that I once had, I no longer do. Some thoughts I have now I have never had. Yet none shal be discounted. This blog is soley for the enjoyment of the author and the readers. On occasion the views expressed are overly exagerated in order to prove a point. Also there may be a dirty word or thought in some of the posts. Grow up and take this for what it's worth - a blog that barely anyone will ever see.

2/06/2006

First Date

Women will never understand the hell that men go through for them. I know, I know. You all have your own frustrations and complex worries when it comes to relationships. However, I would like to present to you the things that go through a man’s mind during courtship. I will present the man’s point of view because I have NO idea what the hell women are thinking. First, I would like to let you know that both of us suck at flirting. I was talking to a female friend of mine that was upset because a guy that she was flirting with did not pick up on her signals. She was waving him in, but he just didn’t get it. At first, I assumed that this was just the standard chump that didn’t understand what was going on. But, I soon realized the true story behind what was going on - she didn’t know how to flirt with men.
She told me that she dangled her shoe before a guy and he didn’t understand that she was interested. “You what?” I asked. She explained that she dangled her sandal towards a guy and he didn’t get that she was interested. What kind of bull shit is this?! Dangling a shoe? This is the best thing that women can come up with to attract a guy? This will not work, because only freaks with shoe fetishes notice the feet of a woman. If she was trying to attract a guy like that - more power to her, but I would not have picked up on this cryptic sign that she was sending out. Women, let me level with you, men are stupid creatures. We need to be beat over the head with things before we understand them. If you want to let a guy know that you are interested in him, you pretty much have to tell us. We are not going to pick up on the preverbal shoe dangle that you think is so clever. Unless you come out and say “I’m interested in you,” we won’t get it. However, that is a double - edged sword in the sense that you might be coming on too strong. But, if you are into the guy - risk it! Like I said, we are dumb creatures.
What you don’t understand is the amount of testicular foritude it takes for us to even approach you is an accomplishment in itself. Then to carry on a conversation with you and to present ourselves as witty and someone that you would enjoy spending time with is such a great deal of pressure many of us would rather sit alone at the bar! We all know that you run us through a series of tests from the second we meet you until our dying breath and we are NOT ok with that. Geez! Why can’t you make it easy on us. If you’re attracted to us, why not save us the trouble and begin writing your name and phone number on a cocktail napkin as we are walking over so that we can skip to the end result that we are all hoping for. I only wish that one day we can cut through the bull shit and get right to the chase. Wouldn’t that be nice? To always say what we were thinking and give our true intentions and thoughts at all times? If inner monologues didn’t exist it would be a different world. Scarier in some respects, but a different world all together.
So, we get your number. That is the first hoop that you have us jump through. The next is to call you. When do we do it? That night? No. Way too soon. The next day? Might seem desperate. Two days out? Probably just right, but then don’t want to look too formulaic. Three days out? Don’t want to make it look like you were a second or even third option for someone to go out with. But, then again, why not a little competition? When do we call? And you have the option to not pick up. That is where the trouble starts! If you don’t pick up, do we leave a voice mail or not? And if so, what do we say? We only have a short amount of time to decide to hang up and try again later, or formulate a creative, enjoyable and most important - likable response to the automated answer of your cell phone (if that’s what you gave us) without sounding like a rambling fool. Unfortunently should we make the decision to stick with the voice mail, we sound like the rambling fool. In the bar we were cool and confident when we talked to you. Now it sounds like we are trying to order take-out using the Spanish that we were taught in high school years ago. “Um, hey. Looks like I missed you. Sorry about that. I was calling because... because you gave me your number. Oh, this is Jim from the bar the other night. Don’t know if you remember me. Of course you remember me, I’m not saying that you are some sort of slut that gives out your phone number to thousands of guys each night, but I am letting you know I’m the guy who was in the blue shirt. We talked about dolphins and the issues in South America? You should remember me. I hope. Um... well, I guess I missed you. Wait, we covered that already. Um... well I’d like to talk to you again. Maybe even see you again. But, um... you didn’t answer. You’re probably at work or school or have something else to do. That’s why you didn’t answer. Or maybe because you didn’t recognize the phone number on your caller ID and wanted to see who it was. Well, it’s me. Jim. I already said that too, didn’t I. Well, give me a call back when you get this. I’m going to be available all night. Well, not ALL night, I do have a life. I have things to do tonight, but I can still make time for you. If I wasn’t able to, I wouldn’t have asked for your phone number in the first place, right? Well, I’m available. But, not always. Call me back. Talk to you then. Um... bye?”
Then we hang up and curse for 15 minutes straight. We know this won’t accomplish anything, but we also realize what a bumbling fool we have just sounded like and the fact that it has been digitally recorded for future generations to hear doesn’t help much. We think about you putting your phone on “speaker” and letting all of your friends know about the looser that just left you a voice mail. We then wonder if you have a radio or TV show where you will share us with your audience and we wish now that we had cursed in the middle of it so that you would have to edit out SOMETHING of our mindless rambling. But, we didn’t. It is out there. It is saved. And we have to live with it. Some of us make the mistake of calling right back in order to make a fleeting attempt at saving the voice mail that we’ve just left you. Of course, we are only digging the hole deeper. “Um, hey. This is Jim again. Guess you didn’t pick up this time either. That’s ok. We all lead busy lives these days. Just wanted to let you know that I didn’t mean to leave such a long voice mail the last time I called. Actually, just disregard the last phone message that I left you. (which we know, deep inside, that you won’t) Um, just wanted to let you know that I’m not some sort of rambling psycho and that I would like to see you again... soooooooo um, yeah. Was hoping you’d pick up this time. Um. Well, I guess you have my number now. If not it’s ___-_____. You can call me whenever. Leave a message if I don’t pick up. You don’t have to leave two like I did. Ha, ha, ha - eh. Well, anyway... um, done with work now. Just hangin’ out, as the kids would say. Not saying that I’m old. Or that you’re old. But, just that ‘hangin’ out’ is the current lingo of today’s society and stuff. Um, yeah. Ok. Well, I’m going to let you go. Not that you haven’t had the option so far, but um... yeah. Well, I’m here. Call me back when you get this. I’ll look forward to talking with you again. Thanks for giving me your number and stuff. And maybe we’ll hang out after you get this. But, call me first. Ok. Bye.”
Then we sit and wait. And each time the phone rings, we jump. Then we realize how hard it was for us to call you. How much courage it took for us to enter those seven digits into our phone and then hit the “send” button. We then begin wondering why we gave you the same amount of pressure before we even talked to you out of a drunken bar scene scenario. We second-guess our actions ALL THE TIME! After every voice mail we leave, a slap mark is left on our head from us reminding ourselves how useless what’s behind the forehead really is. What doesn’t help is that we know that you have a recording of us acting like complete asses that can be played over and over again. And our friends have asked us “did you call her?” And our response of “Yeah, but I got her voice mail” is always returned with “Oooh. Did you leave a message?” When our dumb-ass friends find out that we did, it is never good it is usually the same response “Dude! What were you thinking?” And we don’t know. We honestly don’t know. As soon as the words left our mouth we realized it was a bad idea, but they flowed freely irregardless. In all their stupidity. We know what dumbasses we’ve sounded like. We are well aware of that, but there’s nothing you can do.
Now, let’s say that a miracle occurs and you call us back. Or even better, you picked up when we called an a first date is made. We know that you’re nervous. We’ve heard stories about how you try to pick out the best outfit and have your make-up and perfume perfect for a first date. However, we are so nervous that we don’t even notice these things. We are just so overjoyed that you’ve agreed to see us a second time that we don’t even think about what you have gone through. This would make us even more of a wreck.
The standard movie date is usually what we go on. This is tried and true. We don’t know much about the female side of our race other than the fact that you like movies and that we live movies. Chances are, if we take you to a movie, we will both enjoy ourselves. The problem then becomes what movie to see. We have heard that you are a fan of romantic comedies. For some reason if Julia Roberts is in the movie, you consider it a good movie. However, we don’t care for movies like that. We enjoy gratuitous nudity and things blowing up. While we know that this does not constitute a good movie-going experience for you, we are tempted to go see this type of film. So, right off the bat we are faced with the challenge of not only deciding what to do on the date, but what movie to see. Most guys will go the safe route of the romantic comedy. Some will go with the horror film so that you are scared and we can protect you. However, some will try the buddy cop movie where stuff gets blown up and the witnesses to the crime always seem to end up naked. In any event, it’s a movie and we have to go see something. It’s a good thing that Hollywood has been releasing such quality recently.
But, the movie choice is not the first of our worries. The first worry comes in the preparation for the date. Most guys will prep themselves physically for the date. Through a standard shower, calonge and actually shaving. These are things that we don’t even do for the standard wake or wedding (in some cases - the same thing). However, we read somewhere or heard from a friend that you like this, so we do it. It doesn’t matter, because we sweat a full gallon while driving to your home. This negates any kind of prep work that we’ve done to get ready for you.
Meanwhile you are fixing your hair or even have a few friends helping you prep for your date with us. This is something that we NEVER have. We don’t have a friend that will stop by the house to make sure that our hair is perfect and that we don’t use so much calonge that you can smell us coming 2.3 miles away. If we have a roommate or friend present while we prep for our date, they are of little or no help to us what-so-ever. These people are usually more interested in our premium cable package than how presentable we are. All I’m asking is that you take this into consideration when we visit you with one dark blue sock and one brown sock for the date. We don’t know. We honestly don’t. Men are ALL color blind. It’s a trait. Women have developed colors like salmon and aqua that might as well be a foreign language to us, because we have NO idea what you are talking about. We see only the primary colors and then assume the rest is some sort of female scheme to mess us up.
Anyway, we get to your home about 5 minutes before we are supposed to be there. We are then left with a very important decision to make. Do we show up early? Do we circle the block some more? Do we park in the driveway and do some checks on our scents? (AKA calonge and breath) What do we do? We’re early. And what if our watch is fast? What if it’s slow? What does this mean to you? If we show up early, are we too eager? If we show up late do we not respect you? Where is the test? How do we pass? Why does it have to be different for EVERY one of you?!
So, we ring the doorbell. What happens? Someone other than you answers. You are NEVER ready. And this person that answers has a higher criteria for us to meet than the president of the United States. This could be your parents or your friends. (Sometimes we still get the angry dad!) Either one will grill us silently on our character and our personality. We know that whoever this is, we HAVE to pass. Otherwise, you will be given some sort of silent signal of our acceptance as you walk down the stairs 20 minutes late. Did we make it? Did we pass all the tests? Only you and the test give know. We have NO idea. We are still checking to make sure that we don’t smell. That is our main concern, not whether or not our future career paths meet the qualifications put forth by your test giver.
But, you come down the stairs looking better than we remember. Probably because we were either drunk, or you have just experienced a full night of dancing seductively with your girlfriends and were not in the best physical state when we first met you. In any regard, here is where the ultimate degree of nervousness hits us. You ALWAYS look better than we were picturing. Then we check our arm pits again to be sure that we aren’t smelling like a pig farm after the slaughter.
After a few seconds, we pick up on the signals that you are giving us that you want to get out of there. (This is one of the few times that your desires and ours meet perfectly. This is why we are able to read it perfectly.) We want to be gone out of the watchful gaze of your parents or friends so that we may begin enjoying the evening. We soon realize that on a first date, no joy has EVER been found. It is a long, stressful job interview that we must pass if we expect to get a call-back.
But, we take you out to our car. The first thought that runs through our mind is “does she like my car?” And the first thought running through your mind is probably something like “Can he see my panty line?” We aren’t thinking about that, trust me. We are hoping that the mode of transportation provided for your evening is up to your standards. Please don’t tell us about the Ferraris or Lamborginis that you’ve been in during previous dates when comparing them to our Ford Escort. That doesn’t help either of us. (To be perfectly honest, we don’t want to hear ANYTHING that has to do with your previous boyfriends. We want to pretend that we are the first guys that you’ve ever gone out with. Deep down we know this isn’t true and that one day we will find out the truth, but please keep this dream alive for as long as possible for us!) We are mainly focused on making it to the car without tripping and getting your door open for you. To toss that at us will only cause the forces of nature to have us land face first in your front lawn.
Now, every guy worth his salt will open your door for you. Here comes one of the few tests that we give you. Once inside the car, and once we have secured you in by shutting the door for you, you now have a few options to prove to us what kind of person you are. Yes, ladies, we have tests for you. Granted, they are as plentiful as the millions you toss at us, but they are there. You can either put on your seat belt and wait for us to enter the car on our side, hit the electric locks to unlock our door as well before you put on your seat belt, lean over and unlock our door manually or go the full nine yards and open our door as we walk around. I DID date a girl that OPENED my door EACH time that I walked around. She was my favorite. This shows us how selfless you are on a date. If you just sit there with your seat belt on and look straight ahead, we assume that you think of no one other than yourself. And unless you are some sort of super model that we don’t deserve, we don’t look kindly on this behavior. As a matter of fact, I think twice about taking you out again after that. Unless you make up for it throughout the remainder of the date.
So, now we are left with one of our many decisions to make throughout the date. How do we drive to our destination? Do we drive like we normally would? Do we impress you with the speed of our four cylinder car or do we take it easy because it’s been a while since our last oil change? This also hinders on how late you’ve made the start of our date due to your preparation time. If we have a very short window to make it to the theater on time, we will speed and weave in and out of traffic to make it on time. Why? Because we know that the next showing after our set time is a full 20-30 minutes later and this would cause us to come up with extra material to discuss during this time that we didn’t prepare for because we were under the false impression that you’d be ready on time and not give your roommates or parents the freedom to quiz us before the date.
So, we arrive at the movie. We let you out of the car and we walk to the theater. Because it’s a Friday or Saturday night we have to park far away. (The couples that have been together for a while and know the time schedules of one another have had the opportunity to start their evening before we did and have parked a great deal closer.) This enters one of many awkward moments of our first date. Do we hold your hand while we walk to the theater? Would this be too soon? How do we show that we desire a connection with you if we don’t? Are you wondering if we are embarrassed to be with you if we don’t hold your hand on the way in? Would we be pushing things if we did? Is this a major step for you at all? These thoughts are racing through our head with each step. Constantly cycling until we get to the ticket window.
All good guys will pay for two tickets, at full price, (even if we still have our college ID and can get the student discount) for our date and ourselves. We then enter the movie theater. I have yet to experience a woman that has wanted to purchase popcorn on the way in. Why? I don’t know. This is one of the many mysteries of the universe that man has yet to discover. Even on the second, third or thirty-fourth date they don’t want popcorn. When I go to the movies with my friends, this is nearly a required stop on our journey, but I fore-go it each time I’m with a girl. Why? Well, we are usually late anyway and would be lucky to enter the theater before the previews end.
So, deciding on a seat in the theater is usually another test that we have to pass. Most people like to sit in the middle of the theater. With “surround sound” this provides for the best movie-going experience. But, the couples who have been dating for a while and know each other’s schedule have already taken these seats, so usually we have to sit on one of the side aisles. This is ok, because this gives us the opportunity to make sure that you are on our “good side.” Now, what this means is that, when and if we decide to make our move, our proper arm is around you, not the other one.
So, being the guy, we need to select a row and find a seat in a darkened theater and hope that this works for you as well as we hope it will. Now, let us pretend that by some miracle that the movie has not already started. This movie scenario is a test. It lets us know how intelligent you are by how well you are able to follow the plot. If every 5 minutes you have to ask us “Who’s that guy” on the screen and we have to respond with “That’s the main character,” you’re not doing so well. As a matter of fact, many guys, like myself, disapprove of talking at all during a movie. Telling a character not to go into the scary room has NEVER prevented them from doing so. Please keep this in mind. It only annoys those around you and embarrasses the hell out of your date.
Guys are now left with SEVERAL nervous situations before them. We don’t EVER watch the movie on the first date. Instead, we watch you. We look for signs to put our arm around you and to make the first move. We know that you are expecting it and it is up to us to go through with it. We are constantly checking our pits to make sure that it is a viable move that we put our arm around you. But, when to do it is the crucial aspect of the situation. We can’t do it while someone is getting killed on the screen. And if we do it at a very romantic part of the movie, are we seeming too cliché’? And if we do it at a boring plot driving scene, are we seen as boring as well? When do we do it? HOW do we do it is the better question. We go back in our mind to see when we did it with previous girls and can’t remember a DAMN thing about the first date, because we were so nervous and it was such a train-wreck in our mind that we have blocked it out like a bad childhood memory.
You know what I do? I make a joke out of it. I’ve found this works the best. Men, take note. I make it so ridiculously obvious that it reduces the amount of stress to the situation and makes it fun for everyone involved. I do the “fake yawn.” However, I make it so obvious what I’m doing that the woman has no option other than to laugh when she realizes that my left arm has wrapped around her in the most obvious of situations. The way that you can tell that this works is if she leans into you when you put your arm around her. Most girls will pretty much fall into you as if to say “About damn time!” If she remains as ridged as she was early while you put your arm around her, you’ve gone in too soon. Or she is too much into the movie that she forgot that she’s in there with you. However, a great deal of thought has gone into this move, and you should be careful about taking it away. Guys will look into every aspect of the situation to see if you are ready for this. I told you that we NEVER see the movie on the first date. We are too busy analyzing the situation to see what you are ready for and what you are not. Are her legs crossed? Are they crossed in my direction? Yes, yes they are. Wait, she has just uncrossed them and now her right leg is on top putting her focus on the other side of her body away from me. Does this mean that she isn’t interested anymore or that she wants to lean into me when I do it? Her hand is on her knee. Does she want me to hold it through the movie? Wait, she just moved it. What does that mean? Did I miss my window of opportunity? Where did it go? I can’t just look at it directly to see where it is, but I have to know. I will use my perifial vision. Damn. That isn’t getting me anywhere. I will continue to look directly at the screen while my eyes will be forced as far as they’ve ever gone to my left so I can see where she is and what she’s doing. I don’t see her hand. Wish that I had rigged up a series of mirrors to keep constant check of her body language. What does mine say? What is she reading off of me? Why am I slouching? I should be sitting straighter. But, not so straight that I am ridged. What did that guy on the screen say? Damn. I know that there will be a conversation about the movie afterwards and I haven’t seen a damn thing because I’m wondering how her legs are crossed and where her hand went. Did she even have a hand to begin with? Where did her right hand go? Oh, there it is. It’s not accessible. I should go for the left arm around her. Is this the right place in the movie to do so? Nope. Gotta wait. Too soon. Plus the scene doesn’t work well with making my first physical move. Damn. Lost track of the right hand. She has crossed her legs toward me again. Is this a sign that she wants me to hold her? Or did her other leg just fall asleep? Surely it isn’t something as simple as that. Damnit. I just missed an important scene here. Hopefully she doesn’t ask me about this. Ok. I’m going in. No backing out now. 5-4--3-2- damn. Why did that guy have to get shot? There’s blood on the screen. Not a good time to hold her. She’ll think that I’m some sort of psycho that gets off on blood. She has to know that I don’t care for blood. “I don’t like blood.” Damn. Why did I say that? Now it seems that I’m some sort of pansy that faints at the sight of blood. How many episodes of “ER” did I watch before it got silly? Damnit! She doesn’t know that. Fix it! “But, I do like ER.” She just nodded. Does that mean “I agree with you” or was it a polite way or saying “Shut up, I’m into this movie.” Just missed ANOTHER scene. I’m going in. I think that these two embalmers have it for each other. I don’t care. I’m goin’ in. 5-4-3-2-1. Geez. Why do I always puss out. She’s probably wondering why she’s sitting alone in that seat wondering when I’m going to go in and hold her. It’s NOT a big deal. People all over the world are probably doing it right now. Why can’t I? People for all of time have been holding their girls on the first date. But I had to choose a movie with too much blood and I can’t make a move without looking like a psycho of some sort. I’m NOT Hannibal Lector, yet, how to I convey that to her while holding her? I can’t. I MUST find a way. I MUST! Ok. Here it is. Do or die. 5-4-3-2-1 Fake yawn and I’m in. Wow. She leaned into me. She must have been waiting for me to do that. Why did I waste all of that time? She’s been wanting me to do that for a while. Whoa. Wait a minute. How are my pits? I guess they are ok if she leaned into me. Good thing I got that “turn up the heat” crap. I don’t smell anything. I do smell her shampoo. Very nice choice. Very girly and fruity and crap. I like it. Ok. My right hand is free and so is hers. Do I go in for her right hand now? No. Her head is in the way. I can’t see where it is. Plus my left hand isn’t doing anything. Slow bicep massage. Here we go. Gentle rubbing of the bicep. Show her that I’m doing something in addition to holding her. I can multitask. I can hold her and rub her bicep at the same time as well as watch the movie - DAMNIT! What the hell just happened? Who’s that chick? She new or someone who’s storyline I should know. Better not ask. That would break the hold. Plus that would make me look bad. Look for context clues to figure out where she’s from. Where the HELL did her right hand go? I bet it’s on her right knee. I’m going to find out. Got to venture to the right knee. I’ve gone this far. It’s only a progression from here. Right knee, here I come. 5-4-3-2- I can’t do it. I’ve come this far, I don’t want to botch it up. Damn. Her head is on my chest. I bet she can hear my hear beating faster than a jack rabbit running from a team of wild dogs. She must surely know how nervous I am. Wait. Did she hear my stomach just gurgle? Oh, please. Not now. Anytime but now. A burp is forming. Why am I focused on my stomach? I knew that once I did, a burp would come up. And there’s no hiding it this time. Once it’s there, everyone is going to know. There’s no way to hide it. Here it comes. I can feel it accelerating up my esophagus faster than any burp I’ve ever had in my entire life. Gotta keep my mouth shut. Gotta keep it in. Gotta keep it in. Here it is. Brrrphfff. Kept most of it in. She didn’t move. Did she not hear it? Did she not care? Did she just chalk it up to “a natural thing?” Maybe I can fart around her too. Don’t push it. DON’T push it! I think we are both going to pretend that the burp didn’t happen. I need to go in for that right hand. My right hand isn’t doing anything but annoying the guy to my right as I guard that right hand rest as if it were some sort of acquired territory. I might as well have pissed on it to claim it. But, I’d rather hold her hand. I’m going in. 5-4-3-2-1 got it. Kind of. Got her finger tips. She was kind enough to help me out. We are now holding hands and my arm is around her. This is great.
Let’s pause for a moment for an exercise. Put both of your hands together. Hold them there. Lock the fingers and make sure that your palms are touching. That feel comfortable? It will for a few moments. Until you realize the byproduct of two hands touching. Let’s go back to the inner-mind of the male on a first date, shall we?
Ok. Things are good. I’m holding her and she has responded by moving into me. I am holding her right hand and she has responded by making sure that we have as close of a contact as possible by locking her fingers around mine. How tight are they? Oooh! Go back to rubbing the bicep! You forgot about that in the quest for the right hand! What were you thinking. Gently rub that. Let her know that you are still there. Now also gently squeeze her right hand. There you go. What is this movie about anyway? All I know is that there’s a bunch of white people doing stuff. I might have as well just taken her to an episode of “Friends” on the big screen for all I know. But, got the rub and the squeeze going. Wait, be careful. A sweat build up is beginning to form in our right hands. What do we do? Normally a broad rub of the palm on the shirt would solve the issue, but I can’t do that. She might take offense. But, we’ve made that connection. Surely she feels the sweat to! What do I do? I have to think of something quick. Think. THINK! What did that guy say? Damn. It sounded like a turning-point statement for the movie! I don’t even know what his role is in this damn thing. Right hand. Right. Forgot. Keep rubbing with the left what do I do with the right?
Guys, I’m going to pause here with an easy solution. You want to rub your hand to get rid of the sweat, right? Well, so does she. She is JUST as aware of the sweat build up between two hands touching as you are. However, you being the man, she doesn’t have as much freedom as you do to rectify the situation. So, before she pulls away and you bein to wonder whether or not it is the sweat or because you have moved too fast on the first date, here’s what you do. Simple and understandable by both parties, you take your hand to YOUR knee and rest hers on it. This gives you an opportunity to free your hand and give her the opportunity to be free of the hand sweat while also having to rub it on your knee. Your pants have become the towel instead of hers. She should appreciate this. And she will be rubbing your knee on the first date. It’s a win-win situation for both parties. You have your hand free and she’s rubbing your knee while you are massaging her left arm. And, when she’s done, you have the option to rescue her hand with yours once again, or leave it on your knee.This becomes the decision. Did you leave her there uncomfortably or is she ok with resting on your knee? Should you get her hand again so it isn’t awkward? Or is she ok with it. If she’s ok with it, should you read too much into it and wonder how she could be so ok with it on the first date? How far up the leg is she going? Is she remaining stationary? What the hell do you do now? Do you rescue her to have it happen all over again? What THE HELL is this movie about? Is it almost over? That makes a difference. You could hold her hand until the end, IF you could predict when the end would be.
Go for it. Risk it again. Go through the same motions while still massaging her left bicep. Surely it is VERY relaxed by now, but you need to keep up some intent for going over there. Maybe you can leave her right hand on your chest. She can use your shirt as the next sweat wipe off. Plus this would give her more contact with you in a more intimate matter. But, is she ready for this? Are we moving too fast, too soon? Is this a big step at all? I don’t know. There isn’t a handbook for this kind of thing. Guess I just have to feel it out. What if she pulls away and then feels awkward about returning? Should I get her back and let her know that it’s OK, or should I let her go for fear that I would jeopardize her comfort level?
Then the movie ends. FINALLY. I have NO idea what has happened throughout the movie. I’m assuming that she does, but don’t dare ask her any specific questions like “What do you feel about the cinematography” or “How did you feel about ____’s character” or “What the hell happened in the past hour and a half?” That only leads to follow-up questions and that is something that I’m not ready for.
So, the lights come on and you are now holding her with your left arm (which is WAY beyond asleep at this point) and you need to make a decision. When to get up. Do you leave during the credits? Does she care who the “Best Boy” was? Did she know the “Key Grip?” Is she concerned which movie house distributed it? Better get up. But, this would cause the loss of all that was accomplished during the movie, right? Not if you play it right. The secret is the small of the back.
As you are walking out, let her walk before you. Give her a gentle nudge (not a push) on the small of the back. This will allow enough contact without being forceful or sexual. This shows her that you are still there without you being all “up in her grill” as the kids say. A gentle nudge on the small of the back can turn into a full waist hold in the parking lot as you walk to the car. See where she puts her arm that is closest to you for her acceptance of this. If she puts it around your shoulders, you’re doing good. Your waist, you’re doing great. If she doesn’t respond, you’ve failed somewhere. Back up and try again.
Get her car door once more and give her the same test again. May the test never end. This is one of the few that guys can give to women any and every time they get in our cars. You now have the choice to 1) take her home. 2) take her for drinks or ice cream or something else light. 3) take her to your place. You can tell by the way she looks where to take her. If she looks a great deal less than when you picked her up, take her home and see if she invites you in for a drink. If she looks like she’s still ready to party, take her to your place. Don’t take her to a bar where she could get hit on by some other guy who DIDN’T spend $23 on a movie for her that night. Take her to your place that you have had cleaned up just in case and have drinks ready to go. If you are undecided, ice cream is a great option. There will USUALLY be a place open that is serving ice cream as you leave the theater. This is a good opportunity to talk to her to find out if she is the appropriate personality type.
If she talks about how much her work sucks or soely about the movie, she is either a very negative person or doesn’t have much to contribute other than the obvious commonalties between you. Thus, she isn’t confident to provide new information that might be controversial in the sense that it MIGHT not be a common ground topic. But, in any regard, you have her for about another 1/2 hour in any respect. Make good use of the time and be willing to provide topics of conversation that she can relate to. And if she doesn’t prepare to switch it up at any time to compensate for her comfort level.
The question becomes, is she one of those women who appreciates a good-night kiss. Even on the first date? If you have gotten a kiss during the movie, you’re golden for the good-night kiss an the envy of the rest of us. But, for the rest of us, you have to make it happen. You have to set the mood and let her know that it’s ok to kiss on the first date. The way that you do this is with great caution. You must be sweet and gentle while confident at the same time. I’d go into details... but I can’t give you ALL of my secrets, now, can I? Geez, haven’t I given you enough?!

3 Comments:

  • At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Jim H said…

    John Mc, my brother, you're getting closer. You still keep bogging it down with extraneous details and narration.

    The Ladder Theory

     
  • At 8:00 PM, Blogger John Mc. said…

    The fun is in the details, man. The fun is ALWAYS in the details.

     
  • At 8:59 AM, Blogger Joelle said…

    Damn, John. You can't keep my attention for that long. First half is funny as hell. I'll finish the rest later.

     

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