The Audra Jo Story

Well, it's over with Audra Jo. So many signs have pointed to "no" throughout our experiences together that I'm sure that there is nothing more to experience. I promised a lot of you that I would re-post the narrative about our first date, so here it is: (The rest of the story is at the end of the post)

We went out last night and I still haven't made up my mind on her. Here's what's happened with this one:
We started talking a few weeks ago and she has been begging me to go out with her (as they all do) so on Thursday I gave her an option to do so. (I'm kind like that) I asked if she'd like to go see a movie. She was game. I told her King Kong started at 9, so meet me in front of the movie theater at 8:45. She asked me to hold. I asked why and she let me know that she was going online to see if there was anything better playing. I was a bit confused and annoyed at this, but I let it slide. She couldn't find anything better so she agreed to go. She asked if she needed to dress up. I told her it wasn't a prom, so she didn't need to go out and buy a dress or anything. Just as long as she didn't go in work clothes or something and made an effort to look cute for me. She let me know that she always looked cute and that I didn't have to worry about it. I hung up the phone a little annoyed that she didn't like what I had planned for her and that she wasn't going to get all prettied up for me. So, I called my friend Drew who was in town from AZ for the week. I asked him if he was up for goin' to the bar tonight. He was, so I called her back and told her that this was the only day that I could see him before he went back and that I hadn't seen him in about 3-4 months. She let me know that she was very mad at me. This concerned me. She's mad at me before she even met me. She was upset that I broke our date that we had set up not even a half hour before. So I told her that I'd call her next week and make up for it. She let me know that she was busy all the time. Oh well, I thought. I'm goin' out tonight. She then called me back on Friday and I missed her call. After talking to her yesterday she told me that she wanted to apologize for her actions on Thursday. I made her think about it and then she let me know that it was in the past.
So, we went out last night. Saw a different movie. Fun With Dick And Jane. It was alright, not a very remarkable movie, but good. I'd wait for the dollar shows for this one. But, right before the movie started, she let me know that she was in good with the police in this area. (With a little effort, nearly everyone is. Especially when you talk about them in a positive light on the radio as much as I do) When she hit a lady because Audra didn't "feel like braking" and it was obviously her fault, she didn't get a ticket for it. Then the movie started before I could get any more info on that story. So, as I thought about it, I got more and more concerned that this one might be a little off. So, I didn't hold her hand or put my arm around her or anything. I stayed on my side of the chair, and her on hers. When she nudged my leg with her foot, I pulled it away. I figured I didn't want to send any signals to someone who might be off balance.
Up until last night she only knew how to get a hold of me via AIM or the business line at work. She asked me for my cell phone number when we got out of the theater and wanted to give me hers. "Are you going to call me? Am I going to get to see you again? What are you doing tomorrow night?" I don't know what I did, but I did a number on this one. I told her that yes, I would call her and yes, we can go out again, but I needed to check my datebook at work to see when I was available. I figured this would give me more time to decide what if I actually wanted to do something like that. I gave her a hug and we went our separate ways. I got in my car and realized that I needed to figure one more thing out. I know it goes against everything that "The Guy Rulebook" states, but I called her.
"Did you tell me that you purposely hit someone with your car not too long ago?" "What? No! I was unable to break with that lady. I was going to hit her whether I did or not because she pulled out right in front of me, so I didn't hit my breaks, I just figured I'd hit her." "I was a bit concerned." "No, I'm not some sort of psycho! I don't have uncontrollable road rage."
I was somewhat comforted by this. I told a few friends about the evening and got a text message from her about an hour after we parted ways. "You should come and see me sometime." "What? Where? Your job?" "No. At home." "I think that I should get to know you before I get to know your parents." I started thinking this chick met me once, and now she wants me to meet her family! "They go to bed at 8." "Ok...?!" She then called to clarify that she wanted to see me again and was offering her house as a second meeting place. I told her that I'd get back to her. She then let me know that she wasn't trying to get me to meet her parents after the first day of meeting her and she realized that her text message was a bit strange. She then asked if I thought she was pretty. I told her that I appreciated her waxing the facial hair for me and let her know that I'd call her later because I had to get to work early the next day.
So, I think I'm gonna see her tonight. I give people a lot of chances. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, or perhaps she's gonna stalk and kill me. But, if my body is found in a shallow grave in Idaho somewhere, you know where to look first for blood under the fingernails. It'll be my wife, because I think we're getting married sometime next month at the rate that things are going. I don't know. Just continuing to look for the one that is closest to normal. Because I know none of them are.


That was the first post. Then I realized that she has access to this blog through my AIM and my MySpace account. She is one of the few people that might attempt to knife me or something. So, this post was saved until all forms of communication were cut off from psycho... I mean Audra. But, here's the final chapter:

We went out the next day or a few days later. The time-frame escapes me. I called her and she told me that she was hungry and wanted something to eat. So, I met her at Friday's. She let me know that she was a picky eater. (Of course) She was so picky that she doesn't like the regular staples of the Western Civilization's diet like bread. Yes. She didn't like bread. Or crackers or most anything like bread. Except tortillas and tacos. She peals her pizza off of the crust and pretty much eats it with a spoon.
At this point, I have decided to stick the evening out to be nice. And because the fascination with Ms. Nutball compelled me to find out more about her. This fascination had very little to do with attraction, but instead on compiling a very interesting tale to share with those I know and the millions of other fans that read this blog who I have never met and may never. Perhaps we should have a convention.
Anyway, I wanted to see how she would respond to the check when it came. I paid for the movie last time we went out. Let's see how conscious of others she is when the bill comes. It was put on the table and I just stared at it. I continued talking with her and pretended that it wasn't even there. She finally went for her purse and said "I guess I'll pay for my meal." "Oh, didn't even notice the bill was here." I responded. So, we split it. No score for her. No negative point, no positive one. "0" for that frame.
I then followed her to her place. Well... Actually HER PARENT'S place. She told me because of her "hook-up" that she was able to get a 6 pack of beer for me and a 6 pack of some fruit girl Smirnoff stuff for her. She "knew people" so she was able to get this. Oh boy.
My biggest fear while going over there was that her parents would still be up and I would have to deal with that. But, they were already asleep, like she said they would be. I was surprised. She pulled out her movie collection so I could select one to watch. It was one of THE WORST collections of movies that has ever been assembled. This kind of stuff is on the New Release wall at Family Video for only half a day before it goes to the $1 movie category. I can't even begin to tell you how awful her selection was. But, to give you an idea, I selected the best movie that she owned. "House of Wax." Yes. "House of Wax." That was the BEST one. The PARIS F-IN HILTON (No pun intended) movie. Who owns that? Honestly? Once you've seen the end of a horror movie, what is the point in seeing it again? Let alone OWNING it? Does this make sense to anyone?
Anyway, the movie sucked. Who would have guessed. She had just purchased a new razar phone and moved from Verizon to Cingular. (Another example of why we aren't together anymore - I worked for Verizion, and you earn bonus points with me if you own a VZW phone. Free calls, txt, pix and video messages and the whole deal makes things easier on me. Plus, you're just a better person) So, she was playing with her new phone for the beginning of the movie, she sat on the couch while hugging a pillow as an example of how closed-off she was. So, I rubbed her knee 1/2 way though the film. She asked me what I was doing. I threw my hands up and said "nothing." Later I decided to try and hold her hand. She played "thumb war" with me.
This chick just wasn't getting it, or she was going to make me work for every little thing. In either case, I didn't care to put forth the effort. I was just waiting for the end of the evening. Oh, and of course, as soon as the movie started up, she had a headache. That just added to the magic of the evening.
So, the second the credits began to roll I bolted up and nearly shouted "Well, I'm tired. I'm going to be heading out." (It was roughly 10:15pm) She looked confused and I got a "Ok. Aren't you going to hug me before you leave" from her. In my mind I thought "Sure, of course I will give you a hug, you non-bread eating, road rage driving, poor taste in movies, barrier building, negative psycho path!" After a quick one-handed hug, I spun on my heals and was out of there.
You'd think that would be the end of it. Of course not. I got bored. When I get bored I go through my AIM list and see who's online. So, I talked to her last week. This conversation sealed the deal. She works as a waitress in a truck stop around here. She let me know that one of the truckers got her a Christmas present of a hat and a shirt and - wait! A trucker bought a random waitress some presents for Christmas? Why would he do that unless she - So I asked her what her rates were. She laughed it off and I began how much of that laugh was nervousness. So, that was it. She was gone. I'm not going to be dating some girl that is probably giving truckers hand jobs in the bathroom for a 5 spot. You got to have standards, right?