Comedians Can Now Stop

I have been watching a great deal of Comedy Central in the past year. And as many people know, they deal a great deal in comedy. If you didn’t know that, you are an idiot. Anyway, I have seen my fair share of stand-up specials to know what is tired and over-used. Here is my list of things that the standard comedian should avoid for fear of it no longer being relivant.
The toilet seat. We all know that men leave it up and that women are upset with this. Why? We are not sure. It is a simple arm movement for either sex to rectify this situation. Why do men leave it up? Don’t know. Why can’t women put it down? An equally perplexing situation. In any event, we get it. Stop talking about it. This horse has been beaten to death so much that the flies have stopped buzzing.
Men asking for directions. We get it. Men don’t ask for directions when lost. Women do ask for directions. Pea whipped men ask for directions. Regular men drive in circles and drive the women nuts. Is this really a big deal? How many times a year do you go somewhere that you are unfamiliar with. And out of those times, how many situations have resulted in you being lost? The situation is rather small, yet this joke is way too big. Stop it. You’re done.
Ethnic jokes are done. I saw a special on Lisa Lampanelli recently. 90% of her act was making fun of ethnic steriotypes. This is cheap comedy. It is so easy to fall back on this that it is no longer funny. As a matter of fact, it is offensive. And to those who say that it isn’t (like Lisa) you are mistaken and unable to come up with original material, so you hide behind this and claim that we are being “too sensitive.” Nope. We are just “too tired” of hearing it.
I’m also done hearing about the Catholics and pretty much any Christian demonination. We don’t ridicule any other religion. Why? Probably because Christians account for 86% of our nation. We are not ridiculing a helpless minority. We are making fun of the majority, which has become the norm for American Society. Emo Phillips (a great comic) once said “Why make fun of someone becuase of their race, religion or creed when there are so many other GREAT reasons to make fun of people.”
I don’t want to hear any more jokes about what people can’t change. Things like weight or physical imperfections or those with disabilities. These are daily struggles that are difficult on their own - why add to that? I’m not saying that those with these can’t be productive members of society. What I am saying is that I’m sick of the jokes.
Political or religous rants in your set are unecessary. I want to hear some funny stuff. I don’t care about your political views - no matter what side of the aisle you rest on. George Carlin used to be hysterical. Now he’s nothing more than a bitter old man pushing his political beliefs on those who fell in love with the “Hippie Dippy Weather Man” in the 70’s. This goes for pretty much any celebrity. You are given box office money or ad revenue to entertain. I do not EVER want to see you on a soap box for ANY political party. And if you are going to be a lunitic like Tom Cruise and try to tell me that Scientology is right and Psychology is wrong - I’m never going to see your movies ever again. Which is fine with me because Magnolia and Mission Impossible II sucked. I won’t be in line for Mission Impossible III because of that - and because you are a dilusional nutball.
Back to comedians. It was once said that “There is nothing new under the sun.” Essentially, everything has been done before. This does not mean that you are able to lift routines from other comics. I once paid good money to see some comedians in Lisle. (Ok, it wasn’t GOOD money, but I paid none-the-less.) The main comic that I saw recited Jerry Seinfeild’s disk that I had bought a week prior nearly word-for-word. You are a hack and will never make it in this industry. May God have mercy on your soul and not take revenge upon your future generations.
Is it at all possible to keep it clean? I understand the noteriety in “shock value,” but in a society with cable and the internet, shock value comes not from a few dirty words and discussing sex graphicly, but in the ability to do an act like Bill Cosby or Jim Gaffigan that doesn’t involve cursing. It is actually more difficult to get through a comedy special WITHOUT cursing than it is to go for the easy laugh with a four letter word. And the audience will appreciate that. But, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy a good dirty joke now and again. But, when your whole act would make Richard Prior blush, (God rest his soul) maybe you aren’t trying hard enough.
That’s all that I can think of right now. If you can come up with more stuff, let me know. Either post a comment or send me an e-mail and I might re-address this in the future.