Unwritten Rules Continued

If you frequent this blog, you know that I have started a series called "Unwritten Rules." (I thank both of you that do frequent this blog!) This is a continuation of that. Should you have missed the first two installments, here are the links:

Part One
Part Two


21. One On One

There is never a need to ask a tall guy what the weather is like up there. Also don't ask him if he's good at basketball. They get this EVERY day! You are not original. You are not creative. You are, my friend, annoying.




22. As sounds like Ass

Knowledge is power. Intelligence is the true key to happiness. Thus, people are trying to sound smart. One of the ways that they are doing so is by replacing "Because" with "As." There is no reason to to this other than to sound smarter. "Because" is a fine way to explain why something is occurring. "As" should be reserved for showing that two things are occurring at the same time. For example "You should not play in traffic because you could get a concussion." Instead, we hear "You should not play in traffic as you could get a concussion." I'm assuming that both sentences are grammatically correct, however one makes you sound like less of a pompous ass.

23. Tire Gauge

Part of the driving test SHOULD include parallel parking. This argument has gone on for a long while. However, I feel that it should also include proof of knowledge on how to change a tire. This is not a difficult maneuver and anyone who operates a motor vehicle should have the know-how to do this. Never should a car be towed just because the ditsy blond driving it has no idea what a lug nut is and probably giggles when she hears the term. (Ok, giggling at the term is acceptable. But, not knowing how to change a tire is not.)

24. Give Me My Ten Cents Back!

E-Mail forwards, sadly, are here to stay. There is no getting rid of them. People who lack creativity and have nothing constructive to say to their friends and family will flood your e-mail box with forwards that threaten to give you bad luck until you are 77, your dog dead and the angel of death to become your roommate if you don't send this digital dirty bomb to 10 of your closest friends and family within 34 seconds. What is even worse than the e-mail forward is the text forward. This has GOT to end. Not only do you instantly interrupt what I am doing (Which even if it is only clipping my toe nails, is more important than a text forward) but you cost me ten cents to read something that you didn't even wright. You selected "forward" on your phone to annoy the hell out of those who you have been blessed with their personal cell phone numbers. The next time I get one I will demand financial compensation for your lame-ass text message and the emotional agony that I had to endure from your inconsiderate behavior!

25. Pissed Off

Ever since the mid-90's, Calvin of "Calvin and Hobbs" fame has been urinating on things. It started with Chevy or Ford symbols and branched out to nearly everything. Including the Green Bay Packer symbol. (Which is the only acceptable form of his urination.) However, it is time for this kid to stop. It's old. No one cares. It's more an eye sore of someone who has lost touch with pop culture relevance than a statement of dislike for a corporate symbol. I did recently see a Calvin praying in front of a cross. This seems to be a better option. Perhaps he got that bladder pill that has that catchy song that begins "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now" and now, he is thanking God because he "Doesn't have to go right now."

26. Eat The Worm

Much like Calvin peeing on things, the "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor" shirts have become worn out. No longer is this a catchy saying. It wasn't even that good to begin with. If you can't do four tequila shots, why broadcast that you are a light-weight to the rest of the world? Also done are the "I'm with stupid," "Needs head," and "Take me drunk, I'm home" shirts. The novelty has worn off, and you are just showing us that you are still living in 1997.

27. $100 Fine

It is illegal to park in the handicapped parking spaces and for the most part, we all observe this rule more than most others. (Like the "suggested" speed limit signs on the highway.) However, when we need to use the bathroom, the first stalls we go for are the handicapped ones. Why? They are more spacious. It is your own little corner office and you have hand rails to use if necessary. They are the Cadillacs of stalls. I think it is A-OK to use these. I have never felt guilt. I just fear the one day that I hear the squeak of a wheel chair while I'm in the middle of conducting business.



28. Lens Cap Is On

Sometimes on vacation a family will ask you to take a group photo. What I like to do once they are a safe distance away, I pretend to run. After a few steps I let them know that I'm kidding and take their picture. Before I can do this, however, they feel compelled to let me know that the button for capturing this most special of moments is on the right side of the camera. Is this really necessary? Am I Amish and have never touched a camera before? Has there ever been built a camera that has the button on the left? I wonder if even at the turn of the century when you had to get behind a curtain to take the picture if this was still a required instruction. "The flash pan is on the right. Now we will remain still for the next ten minutes with scowls on our faces."

29. Welcome

Sometime in the past five years, the term "No problem" has replaced "You're welcome." Have you noticed this? I have done my best to break myself of this habit, and it is difficult. When someone says "Thank you," I still feel compelled to say "No problem." Yet, "You're Welcome" is by far the best response for this. Not only does it validate and show appreciation for the "Thank you," but it is also time tested and approved by all. Why was it changed? "No problem" still gets the point across, but it is less appreciative and inviting. I encourage us all to go back to letting our fellow man know that they are, in fact, welcome.

30. Actually, it's "Jack-Ass."

When having a conversation with someone, occasionally the incorrect word is used. It may be a slight mispronunciation or the wrong word all-together. There is usually a jerk listening in who feels compelled to interrupt the story or argument or comment in order to correct the speaker. They will do this despite the rest of the audience being able to determine what the speaker has said based on the very most, context clues. Yet, a slight feeling of superiority takes over and they must blurt out "Do you mean 'taxation withOUT representation?!'" Then they get a smug look on their face and seem not to notice that everyone else in the group has silently called them an asshole.

31. World Wide Waste

The internet has been around for a while. I recall when I first heard of my classmates getting "online" in 1990 through the use of AOL and Prodigy. (Props to those who remember Prodigy, and no, I don't mean the band. In my opinion, the band had very little, if anything to do with the commercialization of the internet.) In 17 years, majority of America is able to assume that internet websites will begin with "www." It is no longer necessary in television and radio commercials to include this. All you are doing at this point is taking up valuable ad revenue and insulting your audience. Sounds like a win-win for www.DougsHotDogAndGardenHoseEmporium.com.

32. "No" No More

When having a conversation with one or more people (This is the recommended way to have a conversation, I've learned.) on occasion, someone wishes to agree with your statement or add to a humorous point of your story. It is not ok for them to begin their statement with "no." I see this as a verbal disregard for the point that you have just brought up and a selfish way to increase the value of what they wish to say. You may say "...and that's why her sheets were BLUE!" (Insert laughter here.) Your friend (or so-called friend says) "No! Remember that girl Jenny? Well..." Just add to the story. It would have been well received as long as it is relevant and on par with the humor/intellect presented in the previously shared story. Instead, he/she has now just verbally discredited all that you have said in order to make their point. This is not a friend. They are an insecure jack-ass.

33. Controlled Fire Is Sexy

Every woman likes candles. I don't know why, but they do.














34. Offspring

Do you have children? Congratulations. I'm sure that you are very proud of them. The rest of the world probably isn't. You may think that they are the cutest, smartest and most well-behaved toddlers in the history of existence. They aren't. You can show us pictures, videos and tell endless stories about them. We will never care for them the way that you do. Is that harsh? Well, sometimes the truth hurts.





35. Let Me Tell You About My Best Friend...

Just because you have a friend who is a different color than you do does not open the door for you to discuss racial issues that apply to them. Racially motivated statements, jokes, comments or anything of the nature went out in the 60's. You are now looked upon by society as ignorant. This goes for ANY race discussing another. It also applies to religion and other aspects of human classification. Should a friend of yours say "It's ok, I have a ____ friend." Walk away. This person is not a friend, but instead, an idiot.

36. A Time-Out On The Field

God made the Earth and He said it was good. God made commercials and said "Let the conversation continue." Commercials were made for talking. No talking is ever permitted when a great song comes on the radio or when Da Bears are on TV beating the hell out of whatever team is facing them this week. God invented commercials to discuss the game, politics, world views or when it is time to take out the garbage.
I'm sorry ladies, but you are the worst when it comes to this. (Not all of you, so don't send any nasty comments!) I've noticed all my life that you disregard this rule. It started with my mom and has continued to every female friend and nearly every girlfriend that I have ever had. The commercial time-out is the only permissible time to have a conversation. The only time that this rule does not apply is when a particularly good commercial is presented. Then this mini-play of corporate America takes precedence over "who you saw yesterday at the mall."

37. January 6th

Christmas lights are a great way to brighten up a dull block during the gray month of December. It shows your festive spirit for one of the most important days in the Christan calender. However, on January 6th (Also known as "Little Christmas") your lights are done. Not only should they be turned off after this date, but they should be taken down. Never should the July sun catch the glimmer of neglected light bulbs hanging from your garage.

38. Premature

Every year Macy's has a Thanksgiving Day Parade on (you guessed it) Thanksgiving. It is the last float that carries Santa as a way to usher in the Christmas season. It is a damn shame that stores are now celebrating Christmas before we get our Jack-O-Lanterns out. I wish there was some way to boycott shopping at these stores, but I need to purchase the new version of "Tickle-Me-Elmo" from somewhere.

39. Blue-Tooth Bastards

Should you walk down the streets of any major city (Chicago being the best of all other cities on the planet.) or even some small towns, you will find jerks with a blue tooth in their ears. On occasion they will be talking on them and you will have no idea until you see the flashing beacon of loser on the side of their head. However, most of the time, the potential for an incoming call is all that they are displaying. This is not a status symbol. You are not showing any importance at all. Instead you look like an extra on Star Trek. I hope that you are wearing a red shirt.

40. Spare A Square

You ever feel down in the dumps about yourself? Do you ever think that someone else is better than you? Always keep this in mind: Everyone poops. Even the heads of state and your favorite celebrities pop a squat once a day. You and them will constantly have this in common. Except for the celebrities like Kate Moss, The Olsen Twins and Nichole Ritchie. They eat so little that they haven't pooped in months.

Do you have any "Unwritten Rules" that you'd like to submit? They may make it into my next series. Post a comment with them in it. Hell, post a comment just for fun so I know that you are out there!